Mental Health

By the time my son was six months old, I knew something was wrong. Mentally, I knew I wasn’t myself. Trying to explain that to others seemed damned near impossible. It got explained away as a normal part of motherhood. By the time my son was a year and a half, I had my first breakdown in front of my husband and I was suddenly being taken seriously. It was also by this point that I had pinpointed what the problem was and why it was a problem: my mental health had taken a hit and a large part of it was due to a lack of support. It didn’t help that there were 3 very toxic individuals in our lives that made it worse and cutting them off wouldn’t be easy.

The decision was made to move, where I would have better access to a support system and (hopefully) better access to mental health services (since they were out of reach where we were living when my son was born). While it may have taken a couple of extra years due to a pandemic, the move finally happened. Unfortunately, my mental health was still taking a hit due to a bunch of unforseen speed bumps and brick walls. I’ve had more panic attacks than I could count. With all the nerve I could muster (which isn’t easy when you’re brain is telling you you’re not worth it), I finally admitted it openly.

However, one major thing I’ve noticed: the emphasis is on the person with the mental illness to take the lead. If you’re stuck in your head, finding the courage to finally admit something is wrong isn’t the easiest thing in the world. There are A MILLION REASONS why someone isn’t comfortable coming forward, and they’re all valid. Every relationship is a two way street. Every single person who has a mental illness gives off red flags. When I initially started giving of signals that something was off, only one person recognized it and said something. ONE PERSON. That ONE PERSON kept me from going off the edge the first time and they didn’t even know it. All it took was one person reaching out and saying: I see you, I’m here for you, I’ve got you.

As in my case, one of my main reasons I’m still having trouble admitting anything is due to three very toxic individuals that I ended up crossing paths with around 20 years ago. I didn’t realize it at the time that they were toxic (or that what the term even meant). I just knew that when I first met them I didn’t like them (a sixth sense had kicked in) and they were kept at arms length as a result. As the years progressed, their true colours started showing and my sixth sense proved right. They had no qualms about going after you if they didn’t like you and try to tear you down. They tried it with me, which is why the decision was made to get out the opportunity arose. It took a few years, but I made it happen. I haven’t heard from any of them since I moved and I have absolutely no intention of reaching out to them. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve washed my hands of them. At least, in terms of being made to feel like I have to include them in anything. They’re hold on my mental state may take a little longer, but it’ll happen. It is also these 3 individuals that are making it hard to move forward. Once someone has a hold on you mentally, it makes it hard to come forward. And while I agree that if you’re able to come forward, do so. But don’t put all the pressure on the person with the mental illness. If you suspect something, say something. You very well may save a life.