When you have a lot to say

But there are now words for how to say it

When you need to speak up about what’s happening

But knowing no one will believe you

When you need help

But you know no one will

When you see all the roadblocks ahead

But you’re having trouble removing them

When the universe needs to step up

But you doubt it’s never going to happen

When you’re trying desperately to break the cycle

But it’s becoming next to impossible

When society needs to step up

But you know they won’t

When you feel like a failure trying to ensure your child has a future

But every thing keeps crashing around you

I’m waiting

I’m doing everything I need to after having my world flipping upside down

I don’t have the stamina to keep going

Nor do I have the strength

I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear

The world has abandoned us

To be told to wait it out is a slap in the face

Karma will have its day with those who chose who put us here

But it shouldn’t mean we still feel like we’re drowning with no life preserver in sight

Constantly asking for help

Doors constantly being slammed in our face

Stop taking it out on me just because I decided to stand up for myself and advocate

My son and I have been through quite a bit, courtesy of a malignant, covert narcissist. While I wasn’t expecting a clean break or an easy recovery, the loophole we’ve been pushed into has only made things more complicated in terms of moving forward and is making it extremely difficult to heal.

I have no interest in retaliation or retribution, but I refuse to stay quiet on the issue. Our lives were turned upside down and we were put through hell, just because I had the nerve to stand up for myself and advocate for our right to live free of his psychological abuse.

I will keep screaming it from the rooftops about what he did. It’s part of the healing process and I refuse to be silenced.

Baby steps are being taken.

Reset

Readjust

Restart

Refocus

It’s been happening a lot over the past few weeks

It’s going to keep happening

I may have left the clutches of the narcissist, but I’m still reeling from the consequences of his actions

We’re not in a better position yet

The move was unilateral

We’re still crawling to up a mountain to try to get to where we need to be

Something we shouldn’t be doing

Healing hasn’t even scratched the surface

So, for now it’s become ‘Reset. Readjust. Restart. Refocus.’

When my son and I originally embarked on our move 2 years ago, we knew there would be change. A new neighborhood. A new home. A new room. Starting a new school. All in a new city in a new country.

The thing I expected the least was the burned bridges.

Over the course of 2 years, by sheer accident, I discovered how ruthless and evil a narcissist can be. I was aware they existed. I had already encountered a few. But compared to the one that we met when we moved here…

There are no words to describe it…

It resulted in a whole lot of bridges being burned.

And it’s going to result in a lot more before the story even ends.

The depth that the narcissist has gone…

And with no evidence to prove it…

By standing up for myself, by refusing to accept the abuse…

I saw the change

Over the course of two years, it happened slowly

I saw the change in behaviour

Your actions spoke volumes

Your own wife and kids became pawns in your game

The obsession over breaking me kept growing the more I refused to submit

I feel nothing but pity for you

For your kids

For your wife

The only thing that concerns you is making sure I pay

Paying for figuring you out

For asking you to stop

For refusing to give in

It’s become all consuming

Your family is missing out on so much because of an obsession

Because you can’t let go of your control

Because of your refusal to let go of your power

The story isn’t over yet, even though I don’t know the ending

All I know is there’s more to come

I may not know what it is or what it entails, but there’s more to it than what is seen by the human mind

The next few days will tell how the tale goes, if it changes at all

Time will tell…

We threw a curveball last night

It was intentional

You ended up changing your flight plan today

While it isn’t rare for you to change your flight plan, it isn’t common either

You only do so when someone or something causes you to rethink your strategy and how you implement it

At this point, based on previous experience, it’s suspected that you’ll end up coming back by ‘hammering’ away with your ‘dog whistle’

The next few days will be telling

Bracing for you to throw us your worst

I learned a new term today

It fits you perfectly

It’s referred to as ‘hammering’

For the past several months, you have been pushing the ‘dog whistle’ more frequently

You’ve been going overboard with it the last few weeks

I know you haven’t been happy that I’ve been giving you the silent treatment

By ‘grey rocking’ your tactics

So you start ‘hammering’ away with things that you know would set me off

The ‘hammering’ kept getting louder and louder, with the intention of eliciting a reaction

I know what you want

You’re going to keep trying until you get it

No matter how loud you ‘hammer’, you’re not getting a response

‘Reach out if you need help’

‘All you have to do is ask’

‘If you ever need anything…’

Empty words.

Empty promises.

Attempt after attempt was made

But it went nowhere

Fell on deaf ears

I learned it the hard way

In the beginning, I didn’t know that you were a narcissist

There was a lot of information that slipped and you got a hold of it, only to use it against me later on

But I learned

Now, I know

Silence is key

There have been many a day where I wrecked your plans to ruin my day

You’ve gotten to the point where you’re behavior shows how frustrating you’re finding it

Bringing out some of your old plays and overusing your ‘dog whistle’

The longer I go ignoring you, giving you the silent treatment, the harder you dig in your heels

I have no interest in retaliation

I have no interest in making things worse

I have no interest anymore

I like the silence too much