He’s clamping down

The AC came yesterday just in the last evening, even though it shouldn’t have as it was 14°C outside

Today, it came on at 8:42am as he was leaving to take his kids to school and daycare. It hasn’t cycled once. He’s been extremely quiet, as well as his family. They’ve barely made a peep, even as they exited and entered their apartment

He knows where my boundaries are. My limits. He knows I’ve exceeded my breaking point and the thread I was hanging by broke. He’s adding fuel to the fire and knows I can’t do anything about it. In his mind, he won and he’s going to keep adding pressure until I’m obliterated. The people who can stop him don’t care.

But all I’m getting are blank looks. Crickets. I keep getting resources that are meant to help, but end up not applying to my situation. This may be a domestic abuse problem, but I’m not his partner so the rules don’t apply to me

Hotlines are worthless. I can be provided with all the resources and advice they have, but unless they can provide a concrete way out, it’s meaningless.

I don’t need words. I already have a lifetime supply of sympathy. Walks can only do so much and any benefit from one wears off within hours (due to the narcissists actions).

The support system I should have in this situation hasn’t materialized. There’s been stops and starts, and it leads nowhere.

I can keep reminding myself not to react. To not give him the time of day or to keep giving him the silent treatment. But that only gets me so far.

I’m tired of putting on a brave face

I’m tired of bursting into tears and have meltdowns

I’m tired of the panic attacks

I shouldn’t have move back to Ohio. I’d essentially be trading one toxic situation for another.

Symphony can only take me so far. I need people who can ACT on it, knowing full way that their actions speak louder than words. It comes with an understanding that what has happened SHOULDN’T have happened and that no one should have to experience that. PERIOD.

I may sound like a broken record at this point, but I don’t care.

By providing the physical support, acting on a request of help, it provides the beginning of mental healing. They go hand in hand. It may not take care of the trauma that was caused, but it provides a mental relief that someone actually stood up for you and provided you with a way out. That someone has your back in a time of need.

He’s obsessed. He’s determined. He wants to see me fail.

One of the biggest problems I’ve faced (outside of the narcissist) is a lack of understanding. Perception.

I have been making it abundantly clear what exactly has been happening with the narcissist and the negative effects it has had on not only me, but also with my child. The reaction has stayed relatively the same along the way: crickets!

I’ve been receiving A LOT of sympathy with my plight. While it is good to know that people are sympathetic, it hasn’t heled change the situation. From where I am sitting, all I see is a wall of blank stares.

I hhave made every effort to go through the proper channels to get the harassment to stop. I have made multiple efforts to reach out, asking for help. In return, I got doors slammed in my face telling me that hands are tied and no assistance can be offered due to logistics and technicalities. If any further help was needed, I had go this way or do that. It all lead to a dead end. Any ‘assistance’ that was offered by people I knew, it was primarily in the form of advice: go for a walk, move (‘it shouldn’t be that hard’), seek out a support help line, find a therapist. While good advice, it’s all been tried or isn’t a viable option.

What I DO need is a physical support system. People who put their foot where their mouth is and help take ACTION to help me get out of an extremely difficult situation. As it stands right now, I have NO ONE! I am essentially trying to run a household, care for a child, find a new job AND look for new housing without ANY backup. NO ONE to lean on to help me out.

I’ve already stared burning bridges and I’ve had to unfortunately cut ties with at least one person. The decision was taken lightly, but needed to be done. I’m at the point where I’m going to need to do it again with more people. While it’s been helpFUL to have individuals in my corner who are sympathetic, it’s not helpING us to get out. We NEED individuals who willing to act on their sympathetic notions, putting them foot where there mouth is and HELP us get out. We NEED that physical support system.

You’re trying

For the past three days, you’ve been pulling out every trick in your playbook and going full throttle

You may have me frustrated

You may have me angry at you

But I see right through you

But boy, have you been trying

I know I’ve been frustrating you to no end when you figured out I was giving you the silent treatment. You retaliated by going deep with the tried and true plays from your playbook. And you kept trying.

I don’t see you stopping. Even if a higher authority asked you to (like a government official). Because it’s not in you to stop.