Technically, we were homeless for a year

But it was implied by society that we should be thankful

But it wasn’t a home

We did have a roof over our head

But it wasn’t a home

We shared a teeny, tiny room

But it wasn’t a home

We were cramped and miserable

But it wasn’t a home

But again, it was implied we should be thankful because it was a roof over our head

But it wasn’t a home

The lack of privacy

The unsanitary conditions

The safety concerns

The deterioration of our mental health

The decrease in access to safe food

The decrease in access to food PERIOD

The lack of common sense from the other inhabitants

Because if we took on one task (like cleaning the kitchen), we’d ‘own it’ and get no help

With an expectation that we’d take over other tasks with no help

It meant we’d be in charge of doing EVERYTHING there

Which resulted in us staying out of sight and hidden as much as much

But the toxic behavior was still there

Which was exacerbated by the alcoholism

Which resulted in screaming matches

Even hearing the random use of a dryer as a drum, which made a ‘lovely’ wake up call in the middle of the night

But it was still a roof over our head, right?

But not a home

And the judgements that went with it

‘You can leave any time you want’

Despite a housing crisis going on

Where affordable housing is an issue for many

Because rent is sky high

It took us 2 years to find something

TWO YEARS

Even then, it’s still not ideal

Nor is it home

A roof is a roof

But we need a home

Are you listening with just your ears…?

Are you watching from afar…?

Observing from the sidelines…?

Are you paying attention to body language…?

Are you reading between the lines…?

Do you hear the nuances…?

Is something not adding up…?

Are you basing your assessment solely on your experience…?

Are your perceptions correct…?

What’s stopping you from understanding the situation…?

No two individuals are alike

Nor are two situations

So pause

Sit back

And observe

What’s different about their situation than yours?

What are they trying to tell you about what’s happening at THAT moment?

What happened right before it?

What happened even before that?

What circumstances were involved?

How are those circumstances different than yours?

Did you catch all the nuances?

Are you still stuck on black and white?

Did you only get one side of the story?

Which side would you believe anyway, if both sides were presented?

Today, I was in a room full of people I met a year ago

We spent a couple of hours in the same room having lunch

A lot had happened before meeting them

A lot has happened since

That included meeting an individual my instincts say is trouble

The people in this room have met this individual

Most of them would swear that this individual was someone they’d trust explicitly

But after parting ways, I became protective

The majority of people in that room today are some of the sweetest people I’ve met

And some of the most trusting people you’ll ever meet

Which caused some concern on my part

All because of an individual I don’t trust

But they do

I don’t want to see any of them hurt

Especially by him

I have no way of proving that this one individual isn’t who he says he is

That I suspect he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing

I don’t know what he’s hiding

But something is definitely off

And I don’t want any of the people I had lunch with today to be hurt by him

Just because they saw the good in him

And it overshadowed the bad

So I walked away feeling protective

He can keep trying to win me over

But I become uncomfortable the second he walks in the room

I saw what slick and sly did the first time

And I don’t him to hurt anyone in that room

It’s supposed to keep cold air out during the winter

And keep cold air in during the summer

Until it becomes a trigger

A reminder of what someone else did to put you ‘in your place’

Just because I had the nerve to speak up and a wolf in sheep’s clothing was exposed

So he slammed the hammer down as hard as he could and made sure I was the one punished in the most covert way possible

Because who would believe the crazy lady going on and on about being abused through an HVAC system?

No physical proof

It’s just psychological

No big deal, right?

Until the heat gets turned on and it becomes an unexpected trigger because it feels like your suffocating

The scars may be invisible but they’re still there

And you can doubt my experience as much as you want

But it’s not going to take away the reality of what I went through behind closed doors at the hands of a skilled con man

Yes, because lines were crossed that shouldn’t have been

‘But they’re coming down, right…?’

The boundaries are staying up indefinitely

‘But I get to cross it to meet your kid, right…?’

No, because you have a connection to one of reasons why the boundaries were put in place

‘But I didn’t do anything wrong!’

But you still have a connection to one of the individuals who were problematic and he’s one of the reasons why boundaries were put in place

‘But…’

No if/and’s/buts

A dark triad personality was the main reason why boundaries were put up to begin with

Two abusive alcoholics reinforced why they were to stay in place and why they were expanded

No medical emergency will change that

No ‘change of heart’ will ease it

A guilt trip will only reinforce why the boundaries will remain

You can ask a million different times, a million different ways

You can attempt to involve others

The answer will still stay the same

But our journey for a better future has begun, as has our healing

A light at the end of the tunnel can be seen

Slowly but surely, we’re making our way towards it

Along with a newly formed village

One that’s been slowly forming for the past year

One that should have been in place years ago but never formulated because of presumptions and misconceptions

But with new beginnings come new opportunities

One that comes with boundaries that are staying put until further notice

No matter how much pressure you try to apply to get them removed

And this one was being stubborn

The embers are still smoldering

But ever so slowly, the flames were put out

The bridge will be completely demolished sooner rather than later

I’ll probably get flack for it

Complete with a demand to rebuild

But that’s not my problem

This one was a long time coming

Distance was needed

For our sanity

For our safety

Complain about the ‘unfairness’ all you want

This was inevitable

No amount apologizing or false promises will change it

The damage was done

And it’s not repairable

They say people can change

But certain people don’t

They’re wired a certain way and change will never come

Not for a lack of trying from others to make the individual understand

But certain people are just set in their ways

So the newest burnt bridge will stay that way

No repairs

No new bridge

No tunnel

No boat for crossing

No mediator for negotiations

A wall with security will be added if necessary

But this one is permanent

In every single possible way

It feels like forever ago (even though it wasn’t)

When my son and I were living in a situation where we were being tormented by an HVAC system

Today was the perfect example of why I’m thrilled we’re out

Where our room was a comfortable 20°C when we woke up

No AC was on

And it wouldn’t be coming on

AT ALL

Just an open window and fans blowing

The day started out cool (9°C), but the temperature gradually increased to mid teens

As the day progressed, the temperature in our room gradually increased

It ended with our room reaching 24°C on its own

If we were still in Brampton, the AC would have been running continuously

The temperature in our apartment would be dropping well below 20°C

We would have been forced out to find a warmer place to visit for the day

While we had portable heaters, there were times the AC overtook them because the thermostat was set so low

And it was a daily occurrence during the summer

Where we were made so uncomfortable in our own apartment, we needed to leave

And it would have been perfectly legal

Because AC isn’t covered by the Residential Tenancy Act in Ontario

And it’s something others seemed to have a hard time wrapping their heads around

Because to many, it’s ‘just an AC’

And while under normal circumstances, the AC isn’t an issue

But under the control of an abuser, it becomes a weapon

Where compromise and common sense is thrown out the window

So on days like today, where my son and I are now able to enjoy comfortable settings, there will always be the memory of what things USED to be like

And why days like today shouldn’t be taken for granted

The difference hasn’t gone unnoticed

There’s a stark contrast in the comfortability level in the building

While living in Brampton, it was cold.

Bone chilling cold

ALL THE TIME

During the winter, the heat stayed off during the day

The only time it came on was the overnight

The only other exception was when it went below -5°C.

During the summer, the AC was left to run continuously

Even on days where it cold, rainy and dreary – days that could have meant the AC be given a rest – the AC was running without stopping. On such days, when it was a comfortable & cool outside, it’d be freezing inside. It felt like a meat locker.

Fast forward to just over a year later

It’s a comfortably cool day outside. The result of a rainy day.

Is the AC on? No

Are the windows open? Yes

Is it comfortable? Yes

No AC running nonstop

No portable heaters running to keep us warm

No knocking on the upstairs door, asking that the AC be turned off, only to be told ‘Deal with it!’

Just windows wide open with a random, gentle breeze coming in