The Narc Ten Commandments

If you’ve ever had a long term encounter or relationship with a narcissist, you’re more than likely to walk away the relationship a changed person. I’ve had the displeasure of dealing with a narcissist for over a year and we’ve gotten to the point where there’s a mutual, unspoken dislike of each other. While we may be neighbors and will randomly run into each other occasionally, we don’t seek out each other’s company (it’s gotten to the point where he will avoid going outside if he sees me outside first and waits until I go back inside or leave before emerging).

I recently came across a meme that perfectly describes a narcissist: The 10 Narc Commandments and it fits this neighbor to a T. While every single one 9f the items listed can describe the neighbor, the ones that fit the best include:

5. Anyone who works against me is the enemy. I have been sounding the horn about what he has been doing with interference with the heat in our building for months. He recognized that I was a threat to him before I even realized it myself and took it upon himself to implement a way to mentally and psychologically destroy me.

6. Anyone who threatens to expose me will be destroyed. The mind games that this neighbor has played on me began not too long after he realized I was a threat to his control of the thermostat and the temperature of the entire building. He already had a reputation and an image of being a ‘good family man’, so he began his campaign of keeping it that way. Even when the landlord was brought in, she refused to believe anything that went against his image and I was being viewed as the troublemaker.

7. Children are pawns for manipulation, nothing more. The narcissist neighbor has 2 children, both under the age of 5. In an attempt to bring me under control for undermining his authority, he has allowed his children to live in a freezing apartment. There have been days where I have seen the wife emerge from their apartment in a winter jacket because of how cold it is in there and head to the garage for an item stored there, despite it being warm enough outside for shorts, a tee shirt and sandals.

8. I am the final authority. Law enforcement and courts are impotent. I gotten to the point where I have now involved the province in which we live. They have something that is referred to as the Landlord Tenant Board and it acts as a governing body for conflicts between landlords and tenants. It can also be utilized if there’s a conflict in the building that’s being caused by a tenant, including if a tenant interferes with the proper running of an HVAC system (which is what this guy is doing). I’ve told landlord about what he has been doing and she refuses to do anything about it, so I went above her head. He knows that I have done so, but still continues to restrict the flow of heat in the building.

9. I am motivated strictly by power and control. The neighbor absolutely hates that his authority has been challenged and, as any true narcissist will do, has made attempts to try to elicit a negative reaction from me to prove I am the crazy one. When the neighbor in the back of the building is home, the narcissist is well behaved (most of the time), but will try to engage in tactics to elicit a negative response from me. There are nuances to the situation and can make it hard to prove anything he has done as harmful, as he is a master manipulator, taking any response I make look like I’m the one in the wrong.

Narcissists are the hardest to prove as an abuser, since a lot of what they dole out is mental and psychological. If you can’t physically SEE the abuse, it’s harder to prove. All narcissists know this.

Why Not Just Leave?

The last six months have been rough, with the last 2 1/2 months being the worst of it. The toll it has taken on my little family cannot be adequately explained with words. Trying to get individuals to understand the extent of the damage done by a narcissist isn’t exactly easy, as a lot the damage has been mental and psychological. Both are invisible forms of abuse and you can’t see the extent of the damage.

Initially, we just thought we were dealing with a difficult neighbor. One who really didn’t want to change his ways and insistent on doing things a certain way. We thought that with a little intervention from a third party or getting the landlord more involved would help. It didn’t. It only made things worse. It made us realize that we were dealing with a narcissist and no matter what we did to try to resolve the issue at hand, he would dig his heels in and kept making it worse for us.

It has gotten to the point where we’re asking for help because we’re past our breaking point and need actual help getting out of the situation. The mental health of everyone in our household has taken a HUGE hit and trying to convey how bad it is is like pulling teeth. This isn’t a simple black and white issue, but one with a large gray area. There are issues that were created that shouldn’t have been all because of one man.

We made a plea for help. Everyone we know knows the extent of the damage that this neighbor has caused. Our world has been turned upside down and we’re trying to get out of a toxic situation that we were put in by someone else because we’ve been put through enough already. I ended up getting told by a relative, ‘Well, at least you have each other.’ That’s one of the worst things we could have been told. How is that going to help us leave? How is that going to help us get out?

The Whirlwind

A lot has happened in the past six months and it all came crashing down in the last in the last 2 days, bringing with it a whirlwind of emotions. To quote Charles Dickens:

‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.’

While there have been plenty of good times and happy new memories (such as my son’s first time swimming in a lake and his love of the beach), it’s being overshadowed by one man’s overwhelming obsession to crush us and another’s bullying tactics to get us to leave, even if it means they’re both breaking the law to do it.

I’m tired of fighting

I’m tired of freezing

I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed

I’m tired of being pushed past my breaking point

I’m tired of doing what’s right, only for it to not matter

I’m tired. I want it to stop

I’m done

Today My Forest is Dark

Today was rough. REALLY rough. While I wasn’t expecting the old year to go out with a bang, it kinda doesn’t surprise that it’s going out with a rough patch.

I can honestly say that the neighbors upstairs played a large role for where I was mentally all day. The fellow has had a hard time letting go of his control over the thermostat and he proved it again today. The furnace has been largely off for most of the day. It came on a few times, but usually not for long. The last time it cycled on was right after he got home from church, which was just after 1pm. It’s been hovering around freezing all day, with snow falling in the early evening. He is very well aware that he’s breaking the law, but doesn’t care. He’s had a vendetta since he figured out I was onto him.

While we do have space heaters and they’re helping, just the shear fact that we HAVE to use them because he’s choosing to be a duck is insane. I had to walk away from my son multiple times because this is just too much. The fellow upstairs is very well aware that the province is now involved but is choosing to continue to be, well… I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say without getting censored.

Out With the Old…

As 2023 slowly winds down, I’ve started to hear rumblings of people making New Year’s resolutions. I’ve never been big on making resolutions, as they always seemed like an expectation that you may not be able to adhere to due to extenuating circumstances beyond your control.

This year, SO MUCH has changed and it seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. Looking back, I can see the lead up to it and the aftermath. The year started bright, filled with hope and possibilities. By the time June rolled around, the tide had turned and it wasn’t until 2 months later that the damage made itself apparent. We’ve been dealing with the consequences since and trying to keep ourselves from drowning.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is to stand up for myself. It hasn’t been a pretty process and I’ve still got a long way to go, but the fact that I’m doing it is a positive thing. I’m still dealing with two bullies who are trying to keep my voice from being heard, but as the new year is about to start, I’m determined to keep them from taking it away.

I’m a big believer in karma, as it has a way of coming back to bite you. Especially when you least expect it.

When Trauma Meets the Holidays

Christmas is my favourite holiday. It always has been, ever since I was a kid. The lights. The music. The decorations. EVERYTHING about it I loved.

This year, however, I started to dread the holiday long before it even hit. Any Christmas spirit I had was buried deep beneath layers of trauma. While I could sense it was still there, it was buried so deep that it had a hard time being heard.

There were a few holiday happenings around town that I still took my son to, since he loves the holiday as much as I used to. His favourite involves looking at lights, so we went to several parks that had light displays and walked the neighborhood to see the yards of our neighbors decorated. We did put up some Christmas decorations and decorated a tree for our apartment, but my heart wasn’t in it.

The last six months have been ROUGH. Baby steps are being taken to move us forward so that – HOPEFULLY – next year we can take full advantage of the spirit of the season.

When Standing Up for Yourself…

The last 6 months have been rough, especially the last 2. Trying to make my voice heard isn’t as simple as telling my story. There have been roadblocks and hurdles and detours that have made it even harder than it should be. It also hasn’t helped that there are individuals who are insisting on seeing me fail, to the point that they’ve made it obvious that’s what they’re doing.

Today, I did something that I consider brave and it scared the crap out of me to do it, but I did it anyway: I submitted multiple applications to the Ontario Landlord Tenant Board to have this issue regarding the interference of heat to stop. I did so knowing full well that the landlord’s representative could come back with a threat. He had done so already once before when he threatened to bring in the police to evict us, even though it’s against the law to do so. The landlord and her ‘representative’ got a courtesy heads up so they wouldn’t be surprised and claim they were caught off guard by the applications. The response so far basically read: thank you for the notice, although the portable heaters you were provided and the locked thermostat that was installed should have been sufficient to fix the problem.

I have no regrets going after the landlord for the stupidity that is the narcissist in the apartment upstairs.

The Rollercoaster

So, this past week has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. I’m not typically one who likes to ride rollercoasters, primarily because they’re not my thing. This past week only emphasized that.

The past two days have ended up being the cool down from how much this past week has thrown me for a loop. While I don’t want to go into too much detail, I will say this: I ended up being backed into a corner and implied that I was bluffing about knowing my rights as a tenant. After reaching out to someone to confirm where things actually stood (for me), I ended up calling out their bluff and next thing I know, their backing off. However, it’s left everyone involved in an awkward position and an ‘olive branch’ has been extended from the party that tried to throw me under the bus.

Sitting here, weighing my options, I still have a route that I can take that will still give me some measure if hope that I can still come out on top, but not before it comes with more insinuations that I’m overstepping my boundaries (even though I have confirmation that I am well within my rights).

Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to cover it. There is so much that needs to be done to bring this situation with the landlord and the tenants upstairs to an end, but it’ll come at a cost. We’ve already paid a steep price with how the narcissist upstairs is choosing to keep his control over the thermostat and trying to keep us freezing (the furnace hasn’t come on at all today and it’s been hovering just above 0°C/32°F all day).

When You Need A Recharge…

…but you have nothing to recharge with!

They say it takes a village to raise a child and they weren’t kidding. Ever since my son was about 3 months old, we’ve winging it. The village that we thought we had, albeit a small one, vanished.

Once we moved, that lack of a village was made even more evident. A household that had two adults now only had one. Everything from cleaning to taking care of a child to running a household fell on one person. Throw in complicated and toxic situation with a neighbor, the mental strain would only get worse.

Self care isn’t even an option anymore. Survival mode took over. The sense of drowning and feeling overwhelmed took over. A person can scream for help all they want, but is there a point if no is in a position? Or do they even want to help? It’s kinda hard to decipher sometimes when all you see are faces looking in with perplexited looks on their faces because it seems like their unsure what to do. I can make a list, or even a power point presentation, on what I need. Would that even work out? Would anyone even care?

When you have nothing left to run on, but you do it anyway because you have a little one depending on you.

When You’re Left Feeling Invisible

As I sit here typing this, I am having trouble finding the words to say what’s in my head. There has been SO MUCH that has happened in the last two weeks. To say that I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. A lot has happened in the last year. A year where we encountered a lot of roadblocks and hurdles. A year where we tried to make our voice heard, to get those who can change the situation and make it better. However, the biggest roadblock we faced – one where we were yelling the loudest about and needed to most help with – ended up falling on deaf ears.

As I sit here, my mind racing about what steps to take next, all I can hear is a ticking clock. There were supposed to be measures in place that SHOULD have fixed this. Measures that SHOULD have prevented things from getting this far. Everyone in this situation had a role to play. I can scream as loud as I want until I’m blue in the face about it, about where things went wrong. I can play the scenario over and over again, trying to come up with ways that could have changed the outcome. However, if you’re dealing with an individual who knows how to work the system and can hide his true self behind a flawless image, I am being made to feel like I’m invisible. The truth may be hiding right there in plain sight, but if you’ve got individuals who refuse to see it…

My mind is racing. I know what has been happening is very much real. Even when I’m being made to think it’s all in my head.