I have 3 children

Only one is living

The last 3 years have been the roughest 3 years for both of us

From surviving psychological abuse to being thrown in cramped living quarters just to keep from living on the streets

From completely losing what little support we had to trying to navigate a world that wants to glaze over what’s happening

While mother’s should be celebrated, not everyone is in a position to do so

My son and I spent the weekend celebrating the outdoors and making memories

From going to the beach to getting ice cream (twice)

From visiting a new playground to visiting a new eatery

It didn’t escape me, though, that no matter what happened this weekend, there’d be no one here to take over for me so I can have at least one day to rest

There’d be no one reaching out to see of I needed anything

There’d be no one reaching out for, well…period

Other than 2 people

And one of them I’ve known for less than a year

I have no incentive to celebrate a ‘holiday’ that’s meant to celebrate mother’s with a support system

A support system I don’t have

So, no, we didn’t celebrate

And we probably won’t next year either

Where to even begin…

This is only the tip of the iceberg

From the difficulty with sleep (both falling and staying asleep)

To the random lightheaded essay (even after eating)

From the constant fatigue

To the increased headaches and migraines

But the one that bothers me the most is the anxiety attacks. They hit randomly and come out of left field. Oftentimes, it can feel like a stroke or heart attack like event, but with only painful heart palpitations. They can last anywhere from a few minutes to several hours.

But with no support system to lean on…

The red flags are there

They’ve been there for awhile

But with no support system, they go unnoticed

From avoiding places because of the memories associated with it

To avoiding attending certain activities because there are individuals there who closely resemble the abuser

From withdrawing from certain social activities because social interactions no longer are as enjoyable (even they’re desperately needed)

To feeling completely isolated, feeling like you’ve abandoned

From trying with every breathe to avoid going near certain things, such as anything that can be deemed addictive, because once that bridge is crossed…

To constantly scanning your surroundings (and people) because once was enough

If all you see is the image, the shell

But haven’t made attempts to dig below the surface

When you judge based on what you SEE

But don’t want to help fix the problem behind the behaviour…

I am having this conversation

There are plenty of people who don’t think it’s as bad as I claim

I disagree

I’m living it

Are you there when I’ve checked out mentally because of the trauma?

Are you there when a trigger appears and I have to fight with every fibre to keep from being reduced to rubble?

Are you there when someone promises something but due to others failing to help before, why should I believe them?

Are you there when I can sense a depressive episode coming but can’t stop it?

Were you there when the narcissist ran through every single play in his book to try to elicit a reaction?

Were you there when, as a result of the constant barrage of ammunition, a reaction finally did happen?

Are you there for when the mood swings happen? The detachment? The panic attacks? During the rounds of ‘the blame game’?

I could go on

But why should I

What happens in my head and in the universe immediately around me is completely different than what your perception is telling you

With each passing day, the division grows

It’s existed for awhile

The pandemic made it worse

Exponentially worse

Unless your in the midst of it, you don’t really see the effects of it

There’s been talk of ways to bridge that gap

Give those in need a hand UP

Social programs are having trouble keeping up with the need

Affordable housing wait lists keep getting longer

Wait lists that are 15+ years

The need is there

What are you doing to help?

Or are you choosing to turn a blind eye?

Be like the CEO mentioned in this article

We need more like him

DESPERATELY

Wealthy CEO builds village of tiny homes in effort help solve pressing issue: ‘How you treat people is key’

I can tell you until I’m blue in the face what the problem is

You can tell what’s ‘needed’ to ‘fix’ it

The problem?

Nobody is listening

It’s one thing to see a problem

To view it from your perch

To put your spin on it based on what you see

To come to a conclusion based on what you THINK is happening

When, in reality, you need to take a step back

Look at YOUR situation

Look at what YOU have

Look at what helped GET you there

Then take that perspective and turn it around

Because what helped YOU is what’s missing

Just because YOU have it doesn’t mean the other side does

Just because YOU have access doesn’t mean the other side does

What YOU have is what the other side is missing

What YOU take for granted is what is badly needed by the other side

What YOU suggested or advised has already been attempted but isn’t feasible

What works for YOU doesn’t always apply to the other side because it’s a different scenario – it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution

Change YOUR perspective

Change YOUR ‘solution’

Change YOUR way of helping

All it takes is one person

Start the ball rolling

LISTEN to what’s being said

READ between the lines

Not everything one the surface is what it seems

Too many are judging the book by its cover

Burnout

PTSD

No village

No support

Roadblocks everywhere

To quote the song ‘Shattered’ by O.A.R.

‘But how many times can I break ’til I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after’

The end of the tunnel is there

But it keeps moving

The solutions you keep suggesting have already been tried

But they lead nowhere

The advice you keep giving has already been followed

But has also lead nowhere

The ‘one size fits all’ band aid has been applied

And it’s already fallen off

You can keep watching from your perch

You can keep dolling out advice

You can keep making suggestions

But are you willing to get your hands dirty?

Change your perspective?

It’s one thing to sit there and be supportive

But it’s completely different to jump in and find a offer a hand up

You can keep gluing me back together

But it’s only a matter of time before everything shatters

Would you believe me then?

I see it

I am very well aware of where we are

I am very well aware of where we need to be

I am very well aware of where others THINK we are

I am very well aware of where others THINK we should be

I am very well aware of the gap between the two

I am very well aware that a tragedy will probably need to happen before people believe me

I do not want that tragedy to happen

But from where I sit, I fear it may happen

And it’ll come out of left field

At a time when we can’t afford for it to happen

We can’t stay where we are

We’re trying desperately to get out

But we can’t move forward without help

Help that keeps dragging it’s feet

We’re stuck in a vortex

We can’t go back down the path that got us here

It’ll more than likely result in us being pushed back down that same path back here

And it’s already been proven we can’t stay here

Buy every path out is presented with a roadblock

Every door that closes may lead you to a door that takes you where you need to go

But that’s kinda hard to do if every door you try to open is locked

And no one is willing to unlock one

So, time to find a way to break one open and get out before tragedy strikes