The Narcissist: The Aftermath

Time has passed

Bridges have been burnt

But it’s brought hindsight

Things that I didn’t notice before have now surfaced

Things I suspected have inadvertently been proven

And it started with a narcissist attempting to mentally destroy me

But something else happened

In his attempt to take me down, he exposed a glitch

A glitch that I suspected existed but couldn’t prove

A glitch that exposed dynamics and tone deafness

Which, in turn, was mixed with inaccurate perceptions and misconceptions

Which lead to misjudgements

Which lead to some individuals distancing themselves

Which resulted in my son and I going down a path that wasn’t clearly marked

Nor did the path have a definitive end

But a glimmer appeared

A light at the end of the proverbial tunnel

We stayed in the shadows

Trust of others had disappeared awhile ago, so some scouting had to be done

A group of individuals were lingering on the outskirts of the tunnel

Ones that didn’t know our history

Nor the perceptions and misconceptions that came with it

They got glimpses of it

Asked about it

And they got told tidbits

Because there was a fear of judgment

At least one has been told of things that have happened

And we were still accepted

If we go awhile without being heard from or seen, I get asked if we’re okay or if we need help

And with no strings attached

Because we’re not being judged based on what someone else in our social circle did

Nor are we being judged based on how we’re reacting to a wolf in sheep’s clothing

Just genuine concern

Trust is still an issue

And it will continue to be an issue

Because I’ve seen what people can do based on inaccuracies

But how things have changed

And all it took was a narcissist to inadvertently expose everything

The Narcissist vs. Ms. Passive Aggressive

I know you don’t like me

Neither did the narcissist

Your behavior speaks volumes

I’ve called out your behavior multiple times

It’s gotten to the point where a third party needs to be involved

Because you’re more likely to listen to the third party

Even though she tells you the exact same thing

And it didn’t take long for the results to trickle in

You HATE that you’re behavior is being called out

And I’m pretty sure you know it’s me doing the complaining

But I don’t care

You have nothing on the narcissist

You may be twice my size

You may try to throw your weight around to intimidate

You may lurk to ‘observe’

I know the payback is coming

But I have at least one person on my side

She’ll hear you out

Make sure your side is heard

But I have a slight edge over you

I don’t go out of my way to ignore the rules

Which you keep doing

And it keeps getting you in trouble

Your reaction has been noted

I’m not going to stop complaining if you keep trying to change the rules

It’s one thing to bend them (as needed)

But it’s completely different if you consistently break them, make up your own and expect everybody to follow

You may be a nuisance

You may be inconsiderate

You may be stuck in your own little world

You may be socially inept

But it definitely comes with a side of attitude

Because you think I’m wrong

Because I refuse to let you make the rest of the house uncomfortable

Your attitude pales in comparison to the narcissist

I survived him

Even after he mentally destroyed me

If I can survive the damage he intentionally inflicted

I can deflect your efforts of payback

Socks: Optional

It sounds silly

Until it isn’t

For two years, socks were worn at bedtime because of how cold it got in our apartment

Even during the summer

Before we moved into that apartment, socks were sometimes worn at night during the winter but it wasn’t always every night

When we moved into that apartment, wearing socks every night became a necessity

But it wasn’t by choice

Since the narcissist had complete control over the thermostat

And he was using it every way possible to maintain control and dominate

Forcing us to wear socks constantly at night to keep from freezing

But since he’s no longer in the picture, socks at night have now become optional

It may not seem like a big deal

Because they’re just socks

Until they become part of a solution because of a problem caused by someone else

A solution that was hated

Because we weren’t given a choice

The solution was forced on us because of someone else

Because he kept insisting there wasn’t anything wrong with the HVAC system he was tinkering with

And forcing his way of doing things on everyone else

Insisting on making everyone else miserable to keep himself happy

The fact that socks are now optional is a HUGE win

Because he can’t force us to live in subzero temperatures

Forcing everyone to bundle up

Socks included

Connection Lost

All it took was a few people

They stepped in

They stepped up

In this case, it was obvious

Where child actor Tyler Chase was spotted homeless

The story quickly went viral

Before long, his reality emerged for the world to see

And all it took was a few people to step in and step up

The rest of the world followed

But not everyone is that lucky

He has had several people trying for YEARS to get him help

A small support system that desperately needed assistance and resources

But what’s stopping society from doing the exact same thing for others?

Is it because his was obvious?

You could tell from all videos that have surfaced that he’s probably experienced more than the vast majority

While his experience will be different then others in a similar situation, the question remains: what about the others?

No, you can’t force someone off the streets

No, you can’t force anyone into treatment

No, you can’t make someone choose a path they’re not ready to go down

But that doesn’t mean you block the path completely because of a no

It doesn’t mean you remove the treatment option because of a no

It doesn’t mean you remove housing options because of a no

It doesn’t mean you remove and all assistance because of a no

It doesn’t mean you remove your support because of a no

You can still leave ALL options on the table and walk away

You can still leave ALL options on the table and have others involved in check in’s and check ups

This isn’t a one person solution

There are signs and red flags EVERYWHERE when someone is sliding into the deep end

The signs and red flags may be different for everyone, but they’re there

If you’re sixth sense is screaming at you thay something is off, listen to it

The follow through doesn’t need to be extravagant

A simple text or dropping off a meal is enough to start

Listen with your eyes

Read between the lines

Because everything you see may not be the full story

Things may have happened behind closed doors that you didn’t know about

Even if they seem far fetched

Not everything comes wrapped in a pretty bow

Take a step back and evaluate

What would you do if something happened to you that seemed far fetched?

How would you want someone to respond?

Because if you see someone struggling and it seems like the story behind it is ‘too far out there’, you’re making it worse by stepping back and ‘letting them go’

Step in

Step up

Help

And keep offering the assistance

Bring in more people if you need to

But don’t walk away

Leave the door open

Keep the conversation going

Because one of the biggest mistakes you could make is to close the door

Especially if you lock it and refuse to answer

Help bring back the village

When Holidays Go Awry

We celebrated

But it didn’t go as we originally thought it would

Both my son and I had the flu heading into the weekend

It started to subside by Tuesday

My husband was on his way from the States to visit (he was driving)

By Wednesday morning, he was heading back (he didn’t make it past Michigan)

My son had developed pink eye, so back to Ohio my husband goes

We started keeping an eye on Santa’s whereabouts (thanks NORAD)

I kept getting asked when he’s coming to Canada

My son was up early this morning to open gifts

He was happily playing with them all morning

We had pulled the turkey out of the freezer Tuesday morning

It got cooked this afternoon

But we didn’t eat it

Nor did we make any sides to go with it

Because were both on the verge of a meltdown by mid afternoon

And both for completing different reasons

So we went outside for over an hour to work off the meltdown

When we got home, we ordered pizza

After we were done, the turkey got cut up and put in the freezer to eat at a later time

After we cleaned up, it was back to playing with toys

Being outside and having pizza was the reset we needed

The lights on the tree are on

We still have Christmas music playing

And my son is sound asleep

Tomorrow, the reset will continue

Hopefully, it’ll go smoother than the last 7 days

The Simple Things

It’s a bowl

A simple little bowl

Tonight, it held chili

Homemade chili

Something that hasn’t been made in over a year

It’s something that normally isn’t celebrated

Unless you’re someone who likes to cook

Unless you’re someone who likes to bake

And from scratch

And you haven’t had the opportunity to do so in a year

And today, the opportunity presented itself

So homemade chili was made

With plans for other things (like apple pie) in the not too distant future

Because sometimes the best things come in a bowl

So This Is Christmas

But it still doesn’t feel like Christmas

We have a tree

It’s decorated

We have (a few) Christmas related items on display

We’ve gone to multiple Christmas related events

Presents are currently waiting for Santa to put them under the tree

We’ve been listening to Christmas music for almost a month

We have an advent calendar going

But it still doesn’t feel like Christmas

At least to me

Between an expensive car repair and multiple rounds of illness

Tossed in with no village and sheer exhaustion

The fumes ran out a LONG time ago

And every day is a fight to put my mental health back on track

This year may be better than the past few Christmas’

But if the spirit isn’t there

No matter how hard it’s fought just to get it to surface…

Perfect Creative Space

Part study
Part play space
Part library
There would be a corner desk in one spot. It would be big enough to hold a desk top computer, but it wouldn’t actually have one (just a laptop or a tablet would be needed). A lot of office supplies and books would fill in the empty space.
Bookshelves would be placed along two walls. Many, many books would fill them (Lord of the Rings, Anne of Green Gables, Dean Koontz, Patricia Cornwall, etc…). Preferably a large window with a bench seat in front of it. A bean bag chair (and pillows) in one corner (for days I dont want to sit in front of the window to read).
A ‘play table’ would also be in the room. Because there will probably be days where I’m restless and concentration is an issue. Bins and bins of LEGOS will be in the room. That way, on days where creative roadblocks hit or a mental health moment is needed, the LGEOS can help distract and hopefully help set everything back on course.
Pictures would also be hung around the room. There’d be enough room for a Christmas tree every year. Nothing fancy; a tabletop one would work.
It would have a comfy feel to it, as it’d be a ‘safe space’. A room to go to to work, but also play.

Character: Are You Good?

I can usually sense something almost immediately
I may not be able to know what the exact flaw is, but the sense is there
That sixth sense
The voice in the back of the head that suddenly decides to speak up
The hairs that stand up on the back of your neck
That red flag that you can sense but can’t see
Very rarely am I wrong
My gut is usually right
It’s only a matter of time before the truth comes out
I’ll go with my gut every time

Even if it proves to be unpopular

I’d rather be safe than sorry

Life: One Year Later

Twists

Turns

Hills

Roadblocks

Is it better? Yes

Is it where it needs to be? No

What’s improved? The living conditions. We’re no longer living with crazy people. The living space is cleaner. We can now have actual meals again. The narcissist can no longer control the thermostat and screw up my mental health with it. The alcoholics aren’t keeping us up with screaming matches. With the exception of those who need to know, nobody knows where we live. And it’s going to stay that way.

Why we won’t we be staying? This is meant to be a stepping stone. It got us away from an unhealthy, toxic situation. The space is still too small (two people in a room meant for one). It took over 2 years to find something affordable, made even harder by the fact that most places wouldn’t accept a child living on the premises.

Next steps? Keep moving forward.

Are there bridges that will stay burned? Yes. Some things aren’t meant to be repaired.