I am very well aware I need to move

I am very well of the effects of the abuse you’ve inflicted

I am very well aware I need a game plan

I am very well aware that at any second, one small move from you and any plans I make can come crashing down around me

There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Plans will be made. An escape will happen. When and how will not be revealed. But you’ll still try to interfere. You’ll still try to intercept. You’ll still try to derail. No matter what, you’ll find a way.

But I refuse to say a word. My silence will buy me my freedom. You just won’t know when. Clarity will happen when it’s time.

For the past several weeks, you’ve been giving me the silent treatment.

I know you’re using it as a way to get information.

I actually like that you’re quiet more often than not.I

Yes, there are times you use you ‘dog whistle’ because you can. Yes, there are plenty of other plays you’re also falling back on because you’re convinced they’re going to work. It’s all about the power, the control.

But can you keep giving me the silent treatment? I like the quiet.

I have a feeling that today didn’t go how you envisioned it would. I had no intention of ruining your plan to ruin our day, but things happen.

You tried to do your ‘dog whistle’ bit this morning. We ended up leaving a few hours after you started. Not because we were being affected by it, but because it was so nice outside that we wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and enjoy the day.

By the time we got back, you had ditched the ‘dog whistle’ play and moved onto giving us the silent treatment. You attempted the ‘dog whistle’ again, but that fizzled out quickly.

Today, things turned out better than I thought they would. We were able to enjoy the day.

I’m sorry it ruined your plans to make us uncomfortable. It wasn’t the intention. I know you’ll be trying again. I just need to remember that when you do, it’ll be in retaliation for us not following your plan to ruin today.

You’re obsession seems to be growing and it confounding

Your behaviour over the last few weeks has changed. And not necessarily for the better.

Since I put my foot down and used my voice to tell the world what you’re doing, I’ve watched as you doubled down.

I am very well aware you don’t like being told no.

I am very well aware that you don’t like having your control taken away.

I am very well aware that what I did is perceived as a threat.

I have no in retaliation for you’ve done. I have seen the opposite from you. I’ve seen you double down on your ‘dog whistle’. I’ve seen you ‘change it up’ so as to try to take me off guard. I’ve seen you try to pull out some ‘new plays’ from your playbook, when in reality it’s just an old play with some minor changes. I’ve seen how you appear to have become more obsessed with knowing what I’m up to, with the amount of time for eavesdropping increasing.

I should not have to be constantly on guard against you.

This is the only way I can think of to vent. I shouldn’t have to stop myself from talking out loud to others about how to handle things because of you eavesdropping on me. You should not have the ability to try to strip me of my voice while I’m trying to reclaim it.

I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells

I shouldn’t have to remain quiet in my own apartment out of fear you’ll use my words against me

I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m walking in pins and needles

I shouldn’t be laying in bed, wide awake, in the middle of the night worrying about your next move

I shouldn’t have to fear about what retaliatory move you’ll make next

I shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable in my own apartment because you refuse to turn on the heat when it’s freezing outside

The only thing I want right now is to he free of your antics

No matter how many times I ask

No matter how many times I wonder why

No matter how many times you keep throwing the mental and psychological abuse my way

I’ll still wonder why. What happened to you in the past caused you to become who you are?

I have no intention of fixing you. There’s no point. It’s also not my responsibility.

But I see behind the mask. I see the real you. A lie is still a lie, even if everyone believes it. The truth is still the truth, even if no else believes me.

The trauma that comes with abuse isn’t easy to deal with.

For those involved in a situation that involves mental and psychological abuse, the damage is invisible. The scars may be invisible, but they’re still present.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced with the situation involving the narcissist is trying to explain the brain fog that developed after he went full tilt with his abuse. He knew what he was doing and the effect it would have but he didn’t care.

For those on the outside, it’s easy to say ‘Just leave’. But by the time I realized the gravity of the situation, the window already closed. The grip was firm and it’s hard to shake free from it. I had gone into survival mode. Unless you’re in the situation, it’s extremely difficult to explain.

To find a way out of the brain fog put in place by the narcissist, I need a support system. Individuals who can help me get out, find a safe haven and begin the healing process. Unfortunately, I don’t have that much needed support system that can help get me out.

Attempts will still be made to leave. My voice will still make attempts to be heard. One way or another, we will get out. Karma is still watching. Waiting.

I have a suspicion you may have been asked to stop. Your behaviour changed. When that happens, it usually means something happened and it means changing something when you don’t want to.

It only became a matter of time before you went back to your old ways. I was guessing two weeks maximum. You can’t let go of the control.

You lasted a week. It was subtle, but you tried out one of your tried and true plays. It’s only a matter of time before you try again.

It’s only going to get worse from here.

Limits are being tested

Boundaries are being pushed

I am very well aware that you do not like being ‘grey rocked’, given the silent treatment. But it’s what you’re getting.

I’ve watched as you change around your gameplan, only for you to fall back your old favorites.

You’ve thrown in a ‘new play’, but I still see through it. It’s not that different from the other plays in your playbook.

It doesn’t change a thing.

I still refuse to let you in on any information.

I was informed one of the best ways to deal with a narcissist is to ‘gray rock’ them. I started doing so several months ago.

Unfortunately, he started clueing in that I was ‘ignoring’ his tactics. So, as a result, he started ramping up his efforts.

For the past two weeks, there was a change in the building. One that can’t be fully explained with words. But the atmosphere said it all: he was up to something and I sensed he was trying to get information. Information I REFUSE to give out.

The feeling is still there. And it’s getting stronger. His tactics are changing and he’s trying not to be obvious about it.

Something feels off. He’s trying to hard.