Dreams

They say your dreams are an extension of your daily life, making it’s way into your subconscious at night. A way to make sense of things.

Last night, I had a dream. It was a weird one (which isn’t unusual). The topic wasn’t an unusual one, either, as it’s kinda a recurring dream. The scenario may be different, but the topic itself wasn’t.

Today, I went and looked up the meaning, to see if their was a message that my subconscious was trying to tell me. My hunch proved correct.

I am about to enter a new phase with the narcissist. One that will more than likely bring more chaos and heartache with it.

For the past year and a half, I’ve watched as the narcissist quietly started to take a hold of my life. I watched as his control took over. I watch as my life started to crumble and my mental health started to shatter. I watched as I tried to tell the world what he was doing, only to watch as many walked away not believing me with only a few to stay behind to help fight.

I observed, took notes and tried to find a way out. With absolutely no help, leaving became impossible. So, I waited and kept dredging along in hopes that something positive may come out of it. My mental health kept getting worse by the day.

Steps were taken and now the Ontario Landlord Tenant Board is now involved. For the past month, evidence has been gathered and is in the process of being uploaded. Last night, I had my weird dream. This morning, I looked up the meaning and discovered that the dream ‘symbolized cleansing and release. This could be a part of yourself or your surroundings that needs to be let go to bring clean new energy into your life. However, it also signifies fear of this cleansing process because letting go requires vulnerable honesty and transparency’.

It made perfect sense. As I’m in the process of (hopefully) bringing down the narcissist, letting the world now finally see what he’s doing is somewhat freeing.

Yes, I may be doing a ‘cleanse’ and freeing negative energy, there is still a deep rooted fear. I have seen the narcissist already begin his retaliation process. To the rest of the world, it may not be a big deal (since what he’s doing can be seen as ‘normal behavior’ by the casual observer). But since I’ve seen what’s hidden behind the curtain, both the narcissist and I know differently (and it’s something he won’t ever admit to since it’s not within his capacity to do).

We both know he’s going to escalate things.

We both know he doesn’t like that I’m taking away his control.

We both know his true identity will be revealed when the information is released for all to see.

We both know he’ll go as far as he needs to pay me back. How far that will be? Only he knows. And for me, any fear I may have is justified. He’ll go as far as he wishes for payback and have no remorse.

So I Wait

Over the course of a year and a half, I watched

There was something odd that was happening not long after I moved into the building, so I watched

I had trouble believing what my instincts were telling me, so I waited

I began suspecting you knew I may be catching on, so I waited

I saw the behavior of you and your family change, so I waited

My instincts proved correct, but I still waited

I finally started doing something about it and I still has to wait

I watched. I waited. I started doing what I needed to do to get you to stop. You doubled down. So, I waited.

Time proved your true character. I am choosing to make a stand. It may cost me everything. But you don’t care. Doing nothing will do more harm than good. You’ve already taken enough.

I’ve watched as you retaliated. I watched as you retaliated in such a way that I can’t prove it. I am positive you’re going to kick it into high gear the day everything comes out, making it virtually impossible for me to not to react. I am positive you’re not going to stop until you get the reaction you want and cost me everything.

I’ve watched long enough

I’ve long enough

But until the day I get to expose you and your evil ways, I wait some more

Only if Someone will Believe Me

I can express how your negative behavior is affecting me, but I’m not believed

I can express how you’ve been weaponizing EVERYTHING, but I’m not believed

I can express how you’re mentally and psychologically abusing me behind closed doors, but I’m not believed

I can express how your behavior has placed a brain fog on me, but I am not believed

I can express how you’re specifically targeting me because I figured out what you were doing, but I am not believed

I can express how you’re retaliating for reporting your actions, but I am not believed

I can express how I think the retaliation will get worse once the proof I have of your actions are submitted, but I suspect I won’t be believed

I have a suspicion that your retaliatory efforts may turn physical – with the intent to scare me to back off – but I suspect I won’t be believed

I believe I scare you because I hold information that will get you in trouble, but I believe you’re using it bully me into suppression

I can keep telling my story, even though the vast majority won’t believe me

I’d rather tell my story, even if it holds only the slightest chance of being believed, because the abuse needs to stop

Only if someone will believe me

But I’m Not Allowed To

I want to be able to tell you how your behavior is negatively affecting me, but I’m not allowed to

I want to be able to put my foot down in an attempt to make you stop, but I’m not allowed to do that

I want to keep speaking up and ‘do the right thing’ but I’m not allowed to do that

I want to keep making sure that I follow protocol as I make my way through t hjh e system in an attempt to get you to stop but I’m not allowed to do that

I want to tell at the top of my lungs to let the world know what you’re doing in an attempt to get you stop but I’m not allowed to do that

I want to keep my mouth shut, so you don’t know my next move but I’m not allowed to do that

I want to tell the world how you weaponize EVERYTHING to use against me, but for many, it’s hard to believe

I want to tell the world about the mental and psychological abuse that you keep throwing my way, but I can’t because it’s so under the radar and invisible to the naked eye, it’s hard to prove

I want people to stop telling me to go for walks, get into nature, to clear my mind, but that’s hard to do knowing the abuse that’s waiting for behind closed doors

I want to stop walking on eggshells but I can’t

I want to live comfortably in my own home but I can’t because of how uncomfortable you’ve made it

I want to be able to express exactly what it’s like living here but I can’t

The freedom to be got taken away from and I don’t know how to get it back

I want to feel safe in my own home but I’m not allowed to

My Right!

I’m mad

I have every right to be mad

I have every right to be mad at YOU

I see you stringing me along like a yo-yo

I see you constantly trying to elicit a reaction

I see trying to push all right buttons to get me mad

I see you using your own wife and children to try to get your way

I see your mind games

I see right through you like a glass door

I am very well aware of the mental and psychological abuse that you’re throwing at me because I figured you out

I see you trying to tear my life apart and push me in the gutter, like I don’t matter

I see the mask you wear in public to disguise your true identity

I see the sheeps clothing you wear to church to cover the wolf

I see you trying to make me so uncomfortable to try to force me to leave

I see you break the law on a daily basis to try to prove you’re untouchable

I am allowed to get mad

I am allowed to meltdown

I am allowed to feel whatever emotion you’re are trying to make me suppress

I am allowed to speak up against the abuse you’re inflicting

I am human.

I have a voice.

I am not stupid.

I am overwhelmed.

I am overstimulated.

I will continue to take a step forward, despite you trying to make me take 2 steps back.

I am tired of the abuse

I will find a way to make you stop.

My child deserves better than what you insist I hand to him.

Change?

Change us inevitable. As humans evolve, change comes with it

With you, however, I doubt that will happen.

I don’t see you changing your mentality

I don’t see you changing your habits

I don’t see you changing your way of doing things

I don’t see you wanting to give up your control

I don’t see you wanting to give up your power

I don’t see you giving up anything

It’s not in your vocabulary and it never will be

The Narcissist & Religion

‘Whoever despises his neighbor is a sinner, but blessed is he who is generous to the poor.’

~ Proverbs 14:21

I am disliked by my neighbor. And that’s putting it mildly. I have been a thorn in his side since I figured out he was interfering with the HVAC system and he’s been on a crusade ever since to make sure that life be as uncomfortable as possible for us. For every step I take to ensure he’s held accountable, he tries to push me back two.

As it is Easter, I find it very ironic that someone who considers himself a ‘man of God’ chooses to go against the teachings of Jesus. I, myself, am Catholic but I haven’t attended church in awhile (primarily for how the church is choosing to deal with it’s dark past).

The neighbor, however, makes it a point to ‘be a good neighbor’ while in public but is the complete opposite once he’s behind closed doors. Very much like Jekyll and Hyde. He very much makes it a point to assert his control, authority and power whenever possible, knowing full well that no one question his image.

I fully believe that God is watching. I believe he sees what the neighbor is like in public, as well as what he’s like behind closed doors. Do I know for certain that he’ll be denied entry into Heaven when he dies? No, I don’t. But it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he’s not granted automatic entry because of how he treats others when he thinks no one is watching.

The Unveiling of Your Secret

‘For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.’

~ Luke 8:17

The universe is watching.

God is watching.

It’s only a matter of time before your secret is revealed.

It’s only a matter of time before your mask is lifted and your true nature comes to light.

It’s only a matter of time before karma reveals itself.

Secrets and lies have a way of finding a path to the surface. You can only do so much to keep them hidden.

You may be a master manipulator. You may have everyone in your sights under your control. I’ve started the ball rolling on lifting up the veil. Try as you might, it’s only a matter of time.

Your Perception

I see you asserting your control

I see you asserting your perceived power

I see you assert your dominance over the situation

I see how you brought in others to assist you, your enablers

I see how you try to change up the plays you use from your playbook

I see behind it

I see through it

I see you

You have control. You have power. You’ve asserted your dominance.

But you also have an ego

There will be a day where you fall

The universe is watching

The universe is waiting

The Tell All Sign

The most telling sign is your behavior.

For the last year and a half, I have watched your behavior change. It’s subtle, but it happened.

Your behavior says it all.

I see how you went from typical neighbor to one who likes to go to extremes.

I saw how you behaved initially when I moved in.

Then I started to catch on to something odd happening in the building. I saw how the the temperature in the building would change when certain people weren’t there, but you were.

I saw how your behavior changed once you started to catch on that I may be on to you.

I saw you. I saw the real you start to show.

It started slowly at first. It didn’t take long for it to pick up steam. But I saw you.

I see how you act now. The 180° change in behavior. I see what happens when when certain people are here. I see what happens when certain people aren’t. I see.

I see how you grow eerily quiet.

I see how you make your apartment sound like a trampoline park.

I see how you go from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds.

I see how you’re trying to elicit a reaction with either scenario.

I see your behavior.

I see you.