To Forgive…?

Or not to forgive…? That is the question.

The answer is no.

You intentionally started a war

You intentionally tore me apart

You intentionally made my life a living hell

You intentionally made things worse when I tried to get you to stop

You intentionally set out to elicit a reaction

You intentionally set out to make me feel crazy

You intentionally set out to obliterate my mental health

You intentionally used our words against us

You intentionally went after my child

You intentionally weaponized

You intentionally targeted

It was intentional. ALL of it.

You showed no remorse. Absolutely none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Not one ounce.

I have absolutely no intention of forgiving you.

Will you…?

Phase 1 started. Several hundred pieces of evidence was uploaded and made public. Evidence showing what you were doing.

Phase 2 begins tomorrow when that same information gets sent to a second party.

It’s only going to be a matter of time before that information makes it way back to you. Do I think you’ll react well to it? No. I think you’re going to take this new ‘hiccup’ and dig in your heels even further. Make it more unbearable. More uncomfortable. Make it so that I’m forced to react to a war you started.

Do I think I’ll get anywhere with what I did? I don’t know.

Do I think it’ll finally take you down? I don’t know.

The only thing I’m certain of is it’ll inflame the war. A war I did not start. A war you insist on fighting. I war you insist on winning. A war you want me to lose. A war to keep your control. A war to prove that you’re the one in charge.

This may not be a game changer. It may not even end the war. But the world will now see you for who you really are.

A Slight Shift

You’re become more eerily quiet.

There are times where I can hear you moving around, but that’s a rarity these days.

There are times your oldest attempts to still act like an elephant in a trampoline park, but those times are starting to become a rarity.

Do I expect that to change? Yes. I know you’re trying to keep me on my toes and I know you’re trying to make me feel like I’m going crazy.

Right now, I think you’re more concerned about getting information. Hoping I spill the beans about my next move.

I know your ‘dog whistle’ is still in play. I may not know when you’ll bring it out next, but I know you haven’t put it away for good.

I have no desire to anticipate your next move. I just know everything is still on the table.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that you’re being more eerily quiet than anything else. That may change tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. I have no desire to figure it out.

I’m keeping my mouth shut. At least, I’m going to try to. It isn’t easy when you’ve made it your mission to elicit a reaction and make me look like I’m the bad guy.

I’ve started the ball rolling. It’s only a matter of time.

Make it Stop!

Overwhelmed.

Overstimulated.

Stretched too thin.

Constantly walking on eggshells.

Pushed past my breaking point.

Taunted.

Meltdown galore.

Emotionally exhausted.

Within a three hour time span, emotions were were flying in every which direction. Trying to contain them wasn’t an option. Letting them spill was the only way to go. It lead to emotional exhaustion from every one involved.

The last year has been rough on everyone. For the last 3 days, I’ve been dealing with a sick child. Today, on top of being sick, he was working through some big emotions. It lead to a HUGE meltdown.

Today, of all days, all of it got to me. The narcissist and the ripple effect of his actions. The fact that nobody believes me and I can’t get him to stop. The fact that our lives are being flipped upside down because of a psychopath. The sick child and his big emotions. The lack of support. The sense of being overwhelmed kicked in. The overstimulation. I started having a meltdown from all the emotions but I had to stop myself because I knew it was going to be used against me if I continued. The need for it to stop is immense and can’t be emphasized enough. The roller coaster needs to finish its run and let us off. Safely. In a place where we can start over, but yet, not leave the area we’re in so my son’s school year won’t be abruptly cancelled.

The ‘New’ Play

I see how you brought out a new play from your playbook

I saw how you brought it out yesterday for the first time

I saw how today you brought it out again to use

I saw you ‘upped the ante’ with the new play today

I saw you testing the waters today with the new play

Tomorrow, you’ll more than likely bring the play out again and up the ante once more

I know you brought out the ‘new’ play to try to elicit a reaction

I know you brought out the ‘new’ play to ‘mix it up’

This won’t be the first or last time you bring out a new play

I know where you’re going with this

I see you

You’re Being Eerily Quiet

You’re being eerily quiet, but I still ‘hear’ you

You’re being eerily quiet, but I still sending a message

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’re eavesdropping

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’re using it to plot your next move

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’re going to use whatever you think I may be doing in that moment against me

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’ll switch to an elephant in a trampoline park noisy in a moment’s notice

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know the you’re rolling out a move from your playbook

You’re being eerily quiet, but you’re still saying more than you think you are

You’re being eerily quiet

Your ‘Dog Whistle’

I see you

I see how you’re trying to push

I see the ‘dog whistle’ getting stronger

I see you trying to become more blatantly obvious about blowing that damn ‘dog whistle’

I see your obsession growing more by the day

I see you trying harder and harder to push my buttons

I see you trying harder and harder to elicit a reaction

There are days where it takes every single ounce of me to keep my mouth shut

There are days where I slip, but I manage to bring the reins back in

There are days where I just can’t and I just lose it

As much as I need this obsession of yours to stop, I know it’s not going to. You hate the fact that you can’t control me into obedience. You hate that I’ve started the ball rolling for getting you into trouble. You hate the fact that you’re losing your grip. You hate that I see right through you.

So you keep going back to your ‘dog whistle’. You turned your own wife into a ‘flying monkey’, an enabler, to keep pecking. You turned your oldest child into a pawn, to be used in your game, to be used as part of the ‘dog whistle’.

The ‘dog whistle’ may be getting stronger, but it’ll be part of your downfall.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed.

It doesn’t even begin to cover everything I’m experiencing right now.

It even begin to explain everything I’ve had to go through to get to this point

It doesn’t explain the unease about everything yet to come

There’s A LOT of turmoil right now. All caused by one person. A person who can’t let things go. Who doesn’t like being told no. Who doesn’t like that he’s being challenged by a female. Who doesn’t like that his authority is questioned.

You may want to flip our life upside down. Make me feel like I’m going crazy. Question every little thing.

Evidence has been gathered and it is the process of being uploaded. It’ll be sent to the proper authorities. I’ll have my day to make my case. With any luck, you’re days are numbered.

Overwhelmed doesn’t even cover it…

Dreams

They say your dreams are an extension of your daily life, making it’s way into your subconscious at night. A way to make sense of things.

Last night, I had a dream. It was a weird one (which isn’t unusual). The topic wasn’t an unusual one, either, as it’s kinda a recurring dream. The scenario may be different, but the topic itself wasn’t.

Today, I went and looked up the meaning, to see if their was a message that my subconscious was trying to tell me. My hunch proved correct.

I am about to enter a new phase with the narcissist. One that will more than likely bring more chaos and heartache with it.

For the past year and a half, I’ve watched as the narcissist quietly started to take a hold of my life. I watched as his control took over. I watch as my life started to crumble and my mental health started to shatter. I watched as I tried to tell the world what he was doing, only to watch as many walked away not believing me with only a few to stay behind to help fight.

I observed, took notes and tried to find a way out. With absolutely no help, leaving became impossible. So, I waited and kept dredging along in hopes that something positive may come out of it. My mental health kept getting worse by the day.

Steps were taken and now the Ontario Landlord Tenant Board is now involved. For the past month, evidence has been gathered and is in the process of being uploaded. Last night, I had my weird dream. This morning, I looked up the meaning and discovered that the dream ‘symbolized cleansing and release. This could be a part of yourself or your surroundings that needs to be let go to bring clean new energy into your life. However, it also signifies fear of this cleansing process because letting go requires vulnerable honesty and transparency’.

It made perfect sense. As I’m in the process of (hopefully) bringing down the narcissist, letting the world now finally see what he’s doing is somewhat freeing.

Yes, I may be doing a ‘cleanse’ and freeing negative energy, there is still a deep rooted fear. I have seen the narcissist already begin his retaliation process. To the rest of the world, it may not be a big deal (since what he’s doing can be seen as ‘normal behavior’ by the casual observer). But since I’ve seen what’s hidden behind the curtain, both the narcissist and I know differently (and it’s something he won’t ever admit to since it’s not within his capacity to do).

We both know he’s going to escalate things.

We both know he doesn’t like that I’m taking away his control.

We both know his true identity will be revealed when the information is released for all to see.

We both know he’ll go as far as he needs to pay me back. How far that will be? Only he knows. And for me, any fear I may have is justified. He’ll go as far as he wishes for payback and have no remorse.

So I Wait

Over the course of a year and a half, I watched

There was something odd that was happening not long after I moved into the building, so I watched

I had trouble believing what my instincts were telling me, so I waited

I began suspecting you knew I may be catching on, so I waited

I saw the behavior of you and your family change, so I waited

My instincts proved correct, but I still waited

I finally started doing something about it and I still has to wait

I watched. I waited. I started doing what I needed to do to get you to stop. You doubled down. So, I waited.

Time proved your true character. I am choosing to make a stand. It may cost me everything. But you don’t care. Doing nothing will do more harm than good. You’ve already taken enough.

I’ve watched as you retaliated. I watched as you retaliated in such a way that I can’t prove it. I am positive you’re going to kick it into high gear the day everything comes out, making it virtually impossible for me to not to react. I am positive you’re not going to stop until you get the reaction you want and cost me everything.

I’ve watched long enough

I’ve long enough

But until the day I get to expose you and your evil ways, I wait some more