Your Silence is Deafening

All I hear is silence

It’s gotten to the point where it’s all I hear

It permeates through the building as loud as a lion’s roar, even though it doesn’t make a sound

It’s deafening, but so loud that it can’t be ignored

Everyone seems to be doubling down that I’m the problematic one, but you’re silence says otherwise

No matter how loud the silence gets

No matter how long you give your silent treatment

Your silence speaks volumes

Your silence tells a story

Your silence…

…I will be heard

Even if your silence says otherwise

My Voice

I know you’re trying to take my voice.

Every time I speak up, I see you dig in your heels.

Every time I stay silent, I see you dig in your heels.

So far, you’ve been successful.

I have taken my stand. I put in my formal statement and complaint last week. Do I think I’ll be heard? I do not know.

You’re reputation, your ‘image’, has held you in high esteem. I have no idea if it’ll crack. I have no idea if I’ll be believed.

You started a war.

You’re determined for me to lose the war.

You’re determined to keep my voice silent.

Broken.

Unheard.

Buried.

I See It: The Danger

I know how dangerous you are

I see it in how you handle yourself

I see it in how you behave

I see it in how your family behaves

I am very well aware of this situation can become extremely dangerous in a heart beat

I am very well aware that your mood can dictate exactly how dangerous things will get

I have already seen what things you are capable of so far. The extent you will go to to keep your control, your power and your way of life. I know you don’t care how it’s affecting anyone else.

It is only a matter of time before you find out what I did. It is only a matter of time before you turn the tables and take it out on me. Exactly what that will look like? I do not know. You keep things close until you determine when to set it loose.

The only thing that I am certain of is that the end result will be further destruction. After all, how dare I disobey you. How dare I reveal your secrets. How dare I try to take away your power, your control.

I have absolutely no intention of making things worse. I only want it to stop.

I know you’re dangerous.

I know you’re about to make it a whole lot worse.

But Why…?

I’ve asked the question a million times.

Why?

You know what you’re doing is wrong

You know what you’re doing is causing harm

You know what you’re doing is having negative consequences

You know you’re being deceitful

You know what you’re doing is detrimental

You know, but you don’t care

You know, but you do it anyway

You know

I can ask the question as many times as I want, but I know you’re not going to give me an honest answer.

I can ask the question, but it’s pointless.

I am allowed to ask, even if I know I’ll never get an answer. I am allowed to ask, even, even though it won’t bring closure. I’m allowed to ask, because I will always be curious about what makes a narcissist tick. It won’t solve anything, nor will it fix anything. It’s not something that I will lose sleep over.

But I will always wonder why…

To Forgive…?

Or not to forgive…? That is the question.

The answer is no.

You intentionally started a war

You intentionally tore me apart

You intentionally made my life a living hell

You intentionally made things worse when I tried to get you to stop

You intentionally set out to elicit a reaction

You intentionally set out to make me feel crazy

You intentionally set out to obliterate my mental health

You intentionally used our words against us

You intentionally went after my child

You intentionally weaponized

You intentionally targeted

It was intentional. ALL of it.

You showed no remorse. Absolutely none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Not one ounce.

I have absolutely no intention of forgiving you.

Will you…?

Phase 1 started. Several hundred pieces of evidence was uploaded and made public. Evidence showing what you were doing.

Phase 2 begins tomorrow when that same information gets sent to a second party.

It’s only going to be a matter of time before that information makes it way back to you. Do I think you’ll react well to it? No. I think you’re going to take this new ‘hiccup’ and dig in your heels even further. Make it more unbearable. More uncomfortable. Make it so that I’m forced to react to a war you started.

Do I think I’ll get anywhere with what I did? I don’t know.

Do I think it’ll finally take you down? I don’t know.

The only thing I’m certain of is it’ll inflame the war. A war I did not start. A war you insist on fighting. I war you insist on winning. A war you want me to lose. A war to keep your control. A war to prove that you’re the one in charge.

This may not be a game changer. It may not even end the war. But the world will now see you for who you really are.

A Slight Shift

You’re become more eerily quiet.

There are times where I can hear you moving around, but that’s a rarity these days.

There are times your oldest attempts to still act like an elephant in a trampoline park, but those times are starting to become a rarity.

Do I expect that to change? Yes. I know you’re trying to keep me on my toes and I know you’re trying to make me feel like I’m going crazy.

Right now, I think you’re more concerned about getting information. Hoping I spill the beans about my next move.

I know your ‘dog whistle’ is still in play. I may not know when you’ll bring it out next, but I know you haven’t put it away for good.

I have no desire to anticipate your next move. I just know everything is still on the table.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that you’re being more eerily quiet than anything else. That may change tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. I have no desire to figure it out.

I’m keeping my mouth shut. At least, I’m going to try to. It isn’t easy when you’ve made it your mission to elicit a reaction and make me look like I’m the bad guy.

I’ve started the ball rolling. It’s only a matter of time.

Make it Stop!

Overwhelmed.

Overstimulated.

Stretched too thin.

Constantly walking on eggshells.

Pushed past my breaking point.

Taunted.

Meltdown galore.

Emotionally exhausted.

Within a three hour time span, emotions were were flying in every which direction. Trying to contain them wasn’t an option. Letting them spill was the only way to go. It lead to emotional exhaustion from every one involved.

The last year has been rough on everyone. For the last 3 days, I’ve been dealing with a sick child. Today, on top of being sick, he was working through some big emotions. It lead to a HUGE meltdown.

Today, of all days, all of it got to me. The narcissist and the ripple effect of his actions. The fact that nobody believes me and I can’t get him to stop. The fact that our lives are being flipped upside down because of a psychopath. The sick child and his big emotions. The lack of support. The sense of being overwhelmed kicked in. The overstimulation. I started having a meltdown from all the emotions but I had to stop myself because I knew it was going to be used against me if I continued. The need for it to stop is immense and can’t be emphasized enough. The roller coaster needs to finish its run and let us off. Safely. In a place where we can start over, but yet, not leave the area we’re in so my son’s school year won’t be abruptly cancelled.

The ‘New’ Play

I see how you brought out a new play from your playbook

I saw how you brought it out yesterday for the first time

I saw how today you brought it out again to use

I saw you ‘upped the ante’ with the new play today

I saw you testing the waters today with the new play

Tomorrow, you’ll more than likely bring the play out again and up the ante once more

I know you brought out the ‘new’ play to try to elicit a reaction

I know you brought out the ‘new’ play to ‘mix it up’

This won’t be the first or last time you bring out a new play

I know where you’re going with this

I see you

You’re Being Eerily Quiet

You’re being eerily quiet, but I still ‘hear’ you

You’re being eerily quiet, but I still sending a message

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’re eavesdropping

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’re using it to plot your next move

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’re going to use whatever you think I may be doing in that moment against me

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know you’ll switch to an elephant in a trampoline park noisy in a moment’s notice

You’re being eerily quiet, but I know the you’re rolling out a move from your playbook

You’re being eerily quiet, but you’re still saying more than you think you are

You’re being eerily quiet