I See You Trying

You tried to take my voice

You tried to take my ability to speak the truth

You tried to make me feel like I was going crazy

You tried to make me feel like I was losing it

You tried to make to keep me snapping over the stupidest little thing

You can keep trying. There will be days where I will get mad at you and want to shake some sense into you, but I know it won’t work. I know you’re going to keep trying to provoke me, to try to elicit a reaction, so you can prove that I’m the crazy one.

Little by little. Step by step. I am taking my voice back.

I’m Tired

I’m tired of walking on eggshells

I’m tired of tiptoeing around you

I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’m snapping

I’m tired of feeling like I’m being forced to be quiet in my own apartment

I’m tired of you eavesdropping to use what we say against

I’m tired of how loud it can get extremely LOUD in your apartment and how uncomfortable it makes us in ours

I’m tired of how eerily quiet you can get, trying to make us think you’re not home (even though you are)

I’m tired of how you can go from one extreme to the next in an instant

I’m tired of how you’re trying to control the situation

I’m tired of you trying to make me feel like I’m crazy

I wish you would stop, but I know you won’t

I know I can’t talk to you because I know you’ll use everything I say against me

I’m tired of you draining my energy

I’m tired of you causing restless nights

I’m tired of the rifts that you have caused

I’m tired of the damage that you inflicted

I’m tired

Me vs. You

I know you don’t want my voice heard

I know you dig your heels in deeper every time I try to speak up

I know you’re trying harder with your ‘dog whistle’

I know you’re trying to make me feel like I’m going crazy

I know you’re trying to make think I’m imagining things

I know you think you’re going to come out on top

I know I’m probably starting to sound like a broken record

I know I may lose

I know you may win

I know that if I don’t try, I’ll never know

I’d rather stand up for myself and fail, then try nothing at all.

The Battle is Coming

We’re about to go head to head. And it’s coming in the most unexpected way.

Looking ahead, I have two choices on when to expose your dirty work. Upon some reflection, I have decided to go with the option that will air things out sooner rather than later.

I know there will be retaliation. You’ve already proven that in the past few months. I know it’ll only get worse from here, as the date gets closer. It’ll be made known to everyone involved that I believe there will be retaliation. That it’ll be subtle. That it’s meant to be under the radar. But it’ll be there, that it’ll happen in such a way that it’ll make us even more uncomfortable than we already are.

We shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable in our own apartment that we need to leave to make the feeling go away. We shouldn’t feel do uncomfortable that it feels like we’re being pushed out just because I figured out what you were doing the thermostat. We shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable that it feels like we’re being targeted just for saying something and requesting that it stop.

I shouldn’t have to fear any of us saying something only for it to be used against us because you were eavesdropping on us while we were in our living room. I shouldn’t have to fear speaking up about the situation, knowing that there’s a strong possibility that you’ll use it to retaliate and make it worse. I shouldn’t have to fear you. I shouldn’t have to fear my own apartment.

I am taking a stand. In the end, I may still lose, but I’d rather go down swinging knowing I tried than to stay quiet and lose everything.

I have a voice and I am going to use it. I may fear you. I may fear the retaliation that you have planned for me for simply speaking up. But I’d rather speak up and speak out and be heard. My voice is important, even if you think it’s not.

You’re Exhausting

I’m tired

I’m tired from the lack of sleep that you’re causing

I’m tired of dealing with your two faced persona

I’m tired you’re flying monkeys taking over after you leave

I’m tired of dealing with your ‘dog whistle’

I’m tired of trying to defend myself against your image

I’m tired of not being believed

I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been backed into a corner

I’m tired of having to deal with the hand you keep giving me

I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’ve been pushed past my limits

I’m tired of feeling like I’m past my breaking point

I’m tired of all this bullshit

I’m tired of having to deal with the consequences of your actions

I’m tired of having to deal with you

I’m tired.

You’re exhausting. You’ve overstepped your boundaries. You’re no longer welcome here. You’re the one who needs to leave, not me.

The Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

I see the wolf hidden beneath that sheep exterior.

I see the change in your eyes when you talk.

I see how you avoid looking me in the eye when you speak.

I catch the slip of the tongue when you catch yourself in a lie.

I see how you try to avoid contact when I’m near.

I see you trying to change your tactics, but yet they stay the same.

The world sees a sheep. I see a wolf.

The world sees a family man. I see a sleazy used car salesman.

The world sees a good Christian. I see the devil.

The world sees what you put in front of them. I see the man behind the curtain.

I see you.

I Know

I know you’re watching.

I know you’re waiting.

I know you think you’re going to come out on the other side victorious.

I know you have ‘flying monkeys’ to help you when you’re not around.

I know you’re trying to make me feel like I’m going crazy, losing my mind.

I know you like to try to be one step ahead.

I know you like using your ‘dog whistle’.

I know you’re cunning.

I know you’re charming.

I know you’re charismatic.

I know.

I Found Your Playbook

It was hiding in plain sight.

What was once hidden is now in visible.

It felt like my world was falling apart at the seems. What was once calm waters turned into an unexpected storm. A whirlwind of emotions started to surface and they came out of nowhere. Confusion started to reign supreme. Chaos ensued.

Then, out of nowhere, your playbook fell right into my lap. It all started to make sense. What was once unseen is now visible.

The tables will turn. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow or even next week. I may not be anywhere near you when it happens. Karma has a way of working things out.

I found your playbook.

It doesn’t solve the problem. I wasn’t expecting it to. In the end, it may not be a problem for me to solve.

I found your playbook.

There will be a day where you will write your own downfall. I may not be there to watch it happen. That’s not my decision to make. I can rest assured that I helped bring your downfall. I got the ball rolling.

I found your playbook.

Behind Your Mask

I see your true colours

Behind your mask, I see what you really are

Behind your mask, I see how weak you are

Behind your mask, I how you play your family to exact revenge on me

Behind your mask, I see the deception

Behind your mask, I see what lies beneath

Behind your mask, I see the truth

Behind your mask, I see what you hide from the rest of the world

Behind your mask, I see your fear because of what I can expose

The universe is watching. God is watching. Both are waiting. You can’t outrun your destiny.

Behind your mask, I see you.

Dear Narcissist,

I see you switching up your ‘dog whistle’.

I see you going from one extreme to the other.

I see you going from eerily quiet to extremely noisy at the most inappropriate times.

I see you going from charming to cunning.

I see you going with a small grain of truth that is hidden in a lie.

I see the smirk behind the mask.

I see the digging in your heels to protect your image while trying to throw me under the bus.

I see the real you, the version that you want no one else to see.

I see the nuances.

I see the change in behaviour.

I see the man behind the mask.

I see you.