The Little Things…

For the last week and half, life has just thrown us curveball after curveball after curveball. As a result, it’s thrown EVERYTHING off kilter. For a household that runs on routine and schedules (because that’s how we work best when we know what to expect when), it’s gotten REALLY rough.

Things are now starting to go to the wayside. There may be individuals routing for us, but they’re all doing it from a distance. There is absolutely NO ONE here with me in the trenches. No one to help look after the sick kid so I can do household chores. No one to take care of the house or the kid when I get sick. No one to help to with the overflowing dishes when your child is sick again and needs your help falling asleep. No one to step in when you get SO OVERWHELMED that you just start letting things go. This isn’t just one thing; it’s multiple.

So, here we go another night of letting dishes go. They were done last night, but it was only the bare minimum and must to clear off some counter space. Another attempt will be made tomorrow. Unless another curveball is thrown at us…

As Expected…

To say I’m angry would be the understatement of the year.

On Friday, I got mad at the neighbors upstairs for repeatedly intentionally finding a way to leave the heat off and doing so because this fellow upstairs has an unhealthy obsession with making us suffer in a cold environment. They heard and finally turned the heat on. Yesterday, they were out all day and the furnace cycled properly like it should. However, today, they’re home and the heat has been off since about 9am. This obsession he has is beyond ridiculous.

We are in the process of looking for new living arrangements, but due to rediculously high rent and lack of affordable housing, the ability to move in a timely manner is little hard. Theray is also in the cards, but affordability is also an issue. In both cases, it’s not a matter of IF, but WHEN. Options are being looked into and explored, but until something we can afford pops up, it’s a waiting game (which makes it extremely frustrating on my end because it feels like I keep hitting brick walls). My mental health has been taking a beating lately and vocalizing what’s been happening is one way that helps me vent until we’re in a position to move and find a therapist.

When You’re Mad at the World…

…and the world doesn’t care.

.I know I’ve been venting a lot about this lately (and I’m pretty sure everybody is tired of hearing about this), and I am very well aware that this is coming across as a spat over a thermostat to many and the topic should be dropped. But there are times (like today) where it becomes too much. It’s been hovering at the freeze mark ALL DAY, with flurries even showing up at one point in the early afternoon. While the furnace WAS cycling early in the day, a portable heater was placed near the thermostat late in the afternoon to throw the sensor to keep it from cycling properly. When you have someone who is SO OBSESSED about remaining in control, that he’s more than happy to pull a power trip and keep you in the cold just to prove that he can. No amount of complaining or attempts to talk to find a happy medium seem to help, but somehow it makes it worse. I’m basically dealing with a narcissist.

Since I’m not an author, so I don’t have a way with words. There are nusances to the situation that make it difficult to convey exactly how bad the situation is with the neighbour. No amount of intervention from third parties (like the city) seem to help. Any system that has been set up to prevent (or fix) this type of situation doesn’t account for someone who knows how to skirt the rules. Instead, with this type of situation, it’s encouraged to ‘work it out’. However, if you have someone who likes to play difficult and refuses to play by the rules because of a power trip, getting a result that’s best for EVERYONE isn’t going to happen.

There have been ripple effects from this situation that have lead to major consequences. We are now in a loophole that we can’t get out of. The only way I can describe the situation is this way: it feels like I’m in an abusive relationship. It’s one I did not choose to be in, but somehow got wrangled into. All because I made one small request to please go easy on the AC.

Tonight, I got frustrated. I got mad. I made myself loud enough to be heard by the people upstairs. I let them know exactly how mad I was at them for constantly pulling this stunt. They heard. The heat has been cycling properly ever since. But we still need out. Since tomorrow is Saturday and the city bylaw officer isn’t available to do checks on weekends, I’m expecting the heat to be off for a good portion of the day. That’s how he rolls. He knows how to work the system. He knows he has all of the control.

Reduce. Reuse. Repurpose.

There’s been many times where I’ve passed by houses that have put out items for the garbage truck to pick up, like dressers and bookselves. More often than not, it’ll get me thinking about how to repurpose the item that just got ‘tossed’. One persons trash is another persons treasure.

One day, on the way home after picking up my son from school, I saw a dresser sitting on the curb. With the assistance of my son and a couple of neighbourhood kids, we picked up all the drawers from the dresser and plopped them in our garage. Last week, I attached a bunch of the drawers together to create a new bookshelf for my son. When my son saw it, he got excited and helped arrange the books on the shelves.

Trauma

How do you quantify trauma?

I’ve been very vocal about the war that’s been happening over the thermostat and the ripple effect that it has had on us. To some, it seems like a silly spat over one small thing. However, there are nuances to the situation that make it difficult to explain with words. As a result, it makes it difficult to paint the full picture to get the rest of the world to understand. It’s very much a mind game and the HVAC system is being used in such as a way to assert control over the situation.

The thermostat isn’t in my apartment – it’s in the apartment of the family that is above us. Prior to the begininng of October, the fellow upstairs could turn the heat off and AC on whenever he wanted to. A locked thermostat has since been installed, so the temperature is set by the landlord and can only be changed by her. However, within 48 hours of installation, the fellow upstairs figured out a loophole: place a portable heater near the thermostat and it throws the sensor on the thermostat off. It’s believed that he has the portable heater cycle so it doesn’t cause the temperature on the thermostat to go above 23 degrees celcius.

The mindset behind this is what’s causing the trauma: the belief that only the fellow upstairs gets to determine what happens with the thermostat and the temperature. No amount of talking or negotiating will get him to change his mind, as it’s his way or the highway. Trying to get the landlord or city involved only causes him to dig in his heels deeper, using it as a weapon and throwing it back at you. He’s sly, cunning and has a charisma to him that results in you looking like the bad guy. The accompanying result is the toll it takes on your mental health, as you KNOW what the problem is but every single attempt to resolve it only gets thwarted.

To the world, this may this may come across as a ‘temperature war’, but there’s so much more to it. Words cannot even begin to explain all of the little nuances of the situation that make this situation what it is. The trauma may not be visible or easily recognizable to an outsider, but once you step inside and you pick up on all of the subtles, things start making more sense…

Think Positive!

I have encountered many people who have the mindset that every negative can be turned into a positive. Or, it’s a mindset of ‘No negativity allowed’.

However, as someone who is currently trying to get out a negative situation caused by someone else, I honestly don’t see the benefit. Yes, having a positive outlook on life is a good thing. But if you’re in the midst of fighting for a better way of life, trying to find the positives of a negative situation is the last thing you’re worried about. Sometimes, there needs to be a distance between you and the negative situation before you can even begin to process it. Every experience that someone goes through has the potential to change you and alter you in a way that you never expected. To minimize the negative is almost like gaslighting because, at that point, you’re minimizing the traumatic experience and expecting it to have no more of an impact than, say, a papercut.

How a situation affects an individual is not up for you to determine. Neither is how it is chosen to be viewed. If you’re in a situation with someone who has just gone through a negative experience, instead of trying to get them to find the positives, help them by showing up. How they choose to navigate isn’t up to you. While you can help guide them, which path they actually end up on will be determined by what helps heal.

Trauma & Triggers

So, for the last year, I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic, toxic neighbour. The building where I currently live is a former tri-level house that has been split into three apartments. The thermostat that controls the temperture for the ENTIRE HOUSE resides in the apartment of the fellow who lives on the main floor. He has made it known that he prefers colder temperatures and has acted accordingly when it comes setting the temperature on the thermostat. A locked thermostat was installed in early October 2023, but he managed to find a loophole to keep the HVAC system from cycling properly. We’ve actually gotten into at least one heated argument over this.

As a result of having to deal with his toxic behaviour (and a landlord who refuses to acknowledge that this neighbour has an alter ego), it’s lead to some trauma (since he INSISTS on keeping it cold, keeps finding ways to keep it cold, and will even sacrifice his own family’s comfort to ensure that everyone in the house knows who remains in control).

There have been many times in the past year where I have snapped because of encountering a ‘trigger moment’, but have gotten reprimanded for it. I have been very open with those around me about what has been happening and how it has affected not only me, but our entire household. Everytime I snap because of a trigger moment, all anyone sees is the reaction. Trying to explain the connection is like talking to a brick wall.

If you’ve found yourself in a situation where a specific moment triggered you, what have you done that has helped you from reacting?

The Biggest Lie You’ve Been Told..?

What’s the biggest lie that you’ve been told? I’ve been lied to. A lot. Especially of late by a certain individual. However, the biggest lie I’ve been told came a few years ago.

It happened a few years ago. My son had just turned 2 and we had the paternal side of the family over at our house for a small birthday celebration. Up until this point, we’d been having trouble getting anyone to help us out (like watching our son so we can gwt time alone). The village that we were supposed to have but never ended up materializing. That night, we got told: ‘All you have to do is ask’.

The ironic thing is, we had been. Mutiple times, with multiple people. And we’d always get the same response: ‘We’re not available.’ The family members who were there that night are big believers of ‘helping out’. However, it depended upon who was asking. They would help each other like crazy, but avoided us like the plague. This was very much a case we could ask all we wanted to, but the response would always be the same: Not available.

There were others who did want to help (we had a few friends who had expressed an interest), but couldn’t. They WERE actually busy (many times, we’d be left wondering how they’d have enough time to breathe).

The biggest lie I’ve been told is ‘All you have to do is ask’. What’s the biggest lie you’ve been told?

Mental Health Revamp

I know that I’m not the first person having to deal with mental health issues, and I know I won’t be the last. Each situation is as unique as the individual and circumstanes involved, as is the solution to help guide the individual through to the other side.

As I look at the system as it is right now, it’s all very daunting. The emphasis is being placed on the individual with the ‘issues’ to seek out help. While there may be many courses of help and treatment once that first step in taken, that first step is also the reason many are holding back. All I see when I look at the system, the way it’s set up now, is a bunch of hurdles and red tape that need to be worked through in order to get the right kind of help that is needed. That, in and of itself, can be very offputting. If you’re already in a situation where you’re feeling overhelmed, seeking out professional help BY YOURSELF makes it that much more daunting. Having people in your corner, rooting for you, isn’t the same as actually having someone PHYSICALLY beside you in every step of the process.

If I had a say in how the whole system works, I would revamp the process of how to get someone to visit. Offices should be like playgrounds for adults. Since no two adults are alike, reception areas should be made more visitor friendly. Instead of a reception desk and chairs in the waiting area, they should be replaced with things that make the visitor more at home. Areas like a little mini library for those who like to read (complete with reading nooks), LEGOS for the kid at heart, tablets for those who like technology (complete with a soft spot to sit on), etc. Offer things like coffee, tea, juice, milk & cookies, water, wrapped sandwiches, etc. Once the visitor has made themselves comfortable, approach with information about how they can proceed forward. What brought them in (and allow them only to reveal as much as they’re comfortable with)? What kind of help do they see themselves needing? Is there a specific type of support system they have or are in need of in order to proceed? What would be needed from both parties going forward to help the individual feel validated while providing the specific health provider with the information needed to help assist the individual involved? This is very much a two way street and the individual involved seeking help needs to feel safe enough to ask for help without being judged or intimidated by the system as a whole.

One thing I’m having a hard time to get people to understand is that there is a difference in they type of support your getting and how it plays a role in your everyday life. I have A TON of people in my corner, rooting me on. But 99.99% of it is from afar. The best they can do is cheer me on from a distance. The type of help I need they cannot provide, nor do they know where I can go to get it. For me, by having an office with a ‘safe space’ to roam in and staff that help guide them to where they need to go would help. It takes the pressure off. I would rather see a health providers office as a safe zone with a ‘make yourself comfortable’ atmosphere and they follow your cues.

When The World Sees Black & White

…but you’ve been stuck in the grey zone for awhile. No two situations are alike, but somehow you get judged based on someone else’s experience. And when it’s made clear that you’re path may not be as straight & arrow as someone else’s, due to the grey zone, judgements are made as to why ‘you are wrong’ and if you only did things this way…

However, there’s a factor the vast majority of people don’t consider (or even take the time to consider): the unique situation of the individuals involved. I’ve been in the grey zone for awhile. And it’s gotten old. No sooner am I able to take one step forward, something happens and it’s two steps back. A handful of individuals know of the situation I’m in, but haven’t really been able to help. And it hasn’t necessarily been from a lack of trying. There has been a lot of ripple effects from situations we’ve been in, which has put us in some unique situations as a result and we keep falling through the cracks. Sympathy can go a long way, BUT it doesn’t always help you get out of the trenches. With our unique situation, as well as with others, a handout isn’t necessarily needed, but a HAND UP is. All it takes is someone to come along and say ‘I can help you with X, Y, Z’, sending you down a path that can help you get out of the sitation you may be in.