Protective…?

Today, I was in a room full of people I met a year ago

We spent a couple of hours in the same room having lunch

A lot had happened before meeting them

A lot has happened since

That included meeting an individual my instincts say is trouble

The people in this room have met this individual

Most of them would swear that this individual was someone they’d trust explicitly

But after parting ways, I became protective

The majority of people in that room today are some of the sweetest people I’ve met

And some of the most trusting people you’ll ever meet

Which caused some concern on my part

All because of an individual I don’t trust

But they do

I don’t want to see any of them hurt

Especially by him

I have no way of proving that this one individual isn’t who he says he is

That I suspect he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing

I don’t know what he’s hiding

But something is definitely off

And I don’t want any of the people I had lunch with today to be hurt by him

Just because they saw the good in him

And it overshadowed the bad

So I walked away feeling protective

He can keep trying to win me over

But I become uncomfortable the second he walks in the room

I saw what slick and sly did the first time

And I don’t him to hurt anyone in that room

Do You Trust Your Instincts?

Yes

More often than not, they’ve been spot on

Which makes it hard to translate to others

Especially when I’ve picked up on something and my sixth sense is screaming

And when it involves another human, a new twist is added

Because how do you explain to others that someone they trust explicitly may not be who they seem?

In the last 3 years, I’ve encountered 2 individuals who have sent out odd vibes

Individual #1 proved me right within 6 months

And he tried to send me to the looney bin when he began covertly and maliciously chipping away at my mental health

A wolf in sheep’s clothing

A devoted family man who went to church regularly

Only his family and I saw what he did behind closed doors

Individual #2 was encountered within months of moving

From afar, he seemed personable

Encounters were limited to once a week, only because of the nature of the encounters (church on Sundays)

But after awhile, something seemed off

The eyes

The facial expressions

The mannerisms

My sixth sense kicked in about 6 months

Now every time I see individual #2, he just screams trouble

Another wolf in sheep’s clothing

I have no way of explaining why I don’t trust individual #2

I can only describe it as something’s off

And everyone he encounters is swallowed by his persona

But the eyes – the windows to his soul – give him away

I’ve made it a point to keep my distance

While I don’t make it a point to go out of my way to avoid him

I also make sure I don’t seek him out

He’ll seek me out, though, if he spots me

I keep it civil

But I also make sure to keep the interaction to a minimum

He reminds me WAY too much of individual #1

And it’s hard to put into words

Because the instinct is there

But it’s hard to warn others that something is amiss when there’s no hard evidence to back it up

Just a gut feeling

And all I can do is watch

One Step Forward

It was a conscious decision

One that needed to happen eventually

Today was the day

We stepped briefly back in the city where the abuse happened

It was a PA Day that we turned into an Adventure Day

And what better way to spend it than visiting a much loved park

One that’s been dearly missed for over a year

One that was a safe haven while there: out of the house and away from the abuser

A request has already been made to go back to the park tomorrow

The possibility of an encounter while there may have been slim, but it still weighed heavily

The tension was felt long before we even got to the park (more with me than my son)

The abuser was only a 10 minute drive from the park

He could have driven up any minute the entire time we were there, even though we never saw him visit that park once the entire time we lived there

He may be a showman

A smooth operator

A wolf in sheep’s clothing

And it probably played a part in why we never saw him there: there was no one to put a show on for

No one to show off the perfect ‘family man’ image

Especially today

It may have been chilly out, but he already proved the cold never bothered him

He’d rather use the cold against you

There were only a handful of people there

Not enough to put in an effort for

It may not be a big deal to most people

But to us, it was a step in the right direction

One that ended up proving to be worth it

Because we got to spend some quality family time at a safe haven

This time, however, we actually got to go back to a home that actually felt like home

Where I knew there wasn’t someone waiting to put me ‘in my place’

All because I figured him out

A Closed Window

It’s supposed to keep cold air out during the winter

And keep cold air in during the summer

Until it becomes a trigger

A reminder of what someone else did to put you ‘in your place’

Just because I had the nerve to speak up and a wolf in sheep’s clothing was exposed

So he slammed the hammer down as hard as he could and made sure I was the one punished in the most covert way possible

Because who would believe the crazy lady going on and on about being abused through an HVAC system?

No physical proof

It’s just psychological

No big deal, right?

Until the heat gets turned on and it becomes an unexpected trigger because it feels like your suffocating

The scars may be invisible but they’re still there

And you can doubt my experience as much as you want

But it’s not going to take away the reality of what I went through behind closed doors at the hands of a skilled con man

But is the Boundary Necessary…?

Yes, because lines were crossed that shouldn’t have been

‘But they’re coming down, right…?’

The boundaries are staying up indefinitely

‘But I get to cross it to meet your kid, right…?’

No, because you have a connection to one of reasons why the boundaries were put in place

‘But I didn’t do anything wrong!’

But you still have a connection to one of the individuals who were problematic and he’s one of the reasons why boundaries were put in place

‘But…’

No if/and’s/buts

A dark triad personality was the main reason why boundaries were put up to begin with

Two abusive alcoholics reinforced why they were to stay in place and why they were expanded

No medical emergency will change that

No ‘change of heart’ will ease it

A guilt trip will only reinforce why the boundaries will remain

You can ask a million different times, a million different ways

You can attempt to involve others

The answer will still stay the same

But our journey for a better future has begun, as has our healing

A light at the end of the tunnel can be seen

Slowly but surely, we’re making our way towards it

Along with a newly formed village

One that’s been slowly forming for the past year

One that should have been in place years ago but never formulated because of presumptions and misconceptions

But with new beginnings come new opportunities

One that comes with boundaries that are staying put until further notice

No matter how much pressure you try to apply to get them removed

Another Day, Another Bridge Burnt

And this one was being stubborn

The embers are still smoldering

But ever so slowly, the flames were put out

The bridge will be completely demolished sooner rather than later

I’ll probably get flack for it

Complete with a demand to rebuild

But that’s not my problem

This one was a long time coming

Distance was needed

For our sanity

For our safety

Complain about the ‘unfairness’ all you want

This was inevitable

No amount apologizing or false promises will change it

The damage was done

And it’s not repairable

They say people can change

But certain people don’t

They’re wired a certain way and change will never come

Not for a lack of trying from others to make the individual understand

But certain people are just set in their ways

So the newest burnt bridge will stay that way

No repairs

No new bridge

No tunnel

No boat for crossing

No mediator for negotiations

A wall with security will be added if necessary

But this one is permanent

In every single possible way

To Be Out From Under His Thumb

It feels like forever ago (even though it wasn’t)

When my son and I were living in a situation where we were being tormented by an HVAC system

Today was the perfect example of why I’m thrilled we’re out

Where our room was a comfortable 20°C when we woke up

No AC was on

And it wouldn’t be coming on

AT ALL

Just an open window and fans blowing

The day started out cool (9°C), but the temperature gradually increased to mid teens

As the day progressed, the temperature in our room gradually increased

It ended with our room reaching 24°C on its own

If we were still in Brampton, the AC would have been running continuously

The temperature in our apartment would be dropping well below 20°C

We would have been forced out to find a warmer place to visit for the day

While we had portable heaters, there were times the AC overtook them because the thermostat was set so low

And it was a daily occurrence during the summer

Where we were made so uncomfortable in our own apartment, we needed to leave

And it would have been perfectly legal

Because AC isn’t covered by the Residential Tenancy Act in Ontario

And it’s something others seemed to have a hard time wrapping their heads around

Because to many, it’s ‘just an AC’

And while under normal circumstances, the AC isn’t an issue

But under the control of an abuser, it becomes a weapon

Where compromise and common sense is thrown out the window

So on days like today, where my son and I are now able to enjoy comfortable settings, there will always be the memory of what things USED to be like

And why days like today shouldn’t be taken for granted

The Contrast

The difference hasn’t gone unnoticed

There’s a stark contrast in the comfortability level in the building

While living in Brampton, it was cold.

Bone chilling cold

ALL THE TIME

During the winter, the heat stayed off during the day

The only time it came on was the overnight

The only other exception was when it went below -5°C.

During the summer, the AC was left to run continuously

Even on days where it cold, rainy and dreary – days that could have meant the AC be given a rest – the AC was running without stopping. On such days, when it was a comfortable & cool outside, it’d be freezing inside. It felt like a meat locker.

Fast forward to just over a year later

It’s a comfortably cool day outside. The result of a rainy day.

Is the AC on? No

Are the windows open? Yes

Is it comfortable? Yes

No AC running nonstop

No portable heaters running to keep us warm

No knocking on the upstairs door, asking that the AC be turned off, only to be told ‘Deal with it!’

Just windows wide open with a random, gentle breeze coming in

With Hindsight Comes Clarity

Distance usually provides a better picture

Allowing time to process things

Going into a big move (especially one that involved a child and a new country), the unknown was a HUGE factor

The one thing that didn’t even cross our minds was unearthing a psychopathic narcissist

But that’s what happened

And it was something that took time to figure out, as a lot of odd things were happening at the new place that shouldn’t have been happening

And it all related the HVAC system

But since I didn’t have access to the thermostat, the only thing I was going off of was what the system itself was doing

And since the weather was getting cooler since we were heading into fall, our apartment was getting cold. Nothing changed as winter started. The only time any heat came on was when the landlord was home, since she lived on the property at the time.

As the troublesome tenant began figuring out I might he onto him, he began to slowly terrorize us. And he used the HVAC system to do it.

Freeze us in the winter with no heat

Freeze us in the summer with the AC running continuously

And he knew no one would believe me

Because even when I asked him to turn it off to give the AC a break, he said no because ‘it was too hot’ upstairs

Even though all he had to do was close the curtains and turn on some fans

No amount of negotiations or requests for compromise was considered on his end

And as I sit here typing this, I am sitting in a room with a window open and the AC off because it’s cool enough outside where the AC isn’t warranted

But if we still in that apartment with the narcissist…

Even though it’s cool enough for the AC to NOT be running…

The AC would still be running continuously

Because it’s all about control and power

Trying to force me to submit

Which wasn’t going to happen

No matter how hard he tried

And yes, I am still 100% positive he was being psychologically abusive

An abuser doesn’t need to be violent to cause harm

Because even though you couldn’t see what he was doing

I did

Because even though you haven’t seen all of the aftermath of his efforts

We have

And even though we’re a year out from living under his reign

The difference between then and now is HUGE

It put some perspective on the situation

For they say hindsight is 20/20

And with each passing day, it only emphasizes I was right

And with each passing day, we’re one step closer to healing

It’s the Principle

When there’s a dirty kitchen to be cleaned but I refused to clean it

When there’s an extremely dirty floor that I could have helped take care of

When there are dirty dishes that need to be rewashed in order to be usable but I refuse to touch them

When there are expenses that can be split to ease the financial burden but I refuse to hand over a single penny

When I can leave my son’s scooter and bicycle on the patio but I refuse to leave them there

For if I ‘clean’ the kitchen, even just once, it became my responsibility from that day forward

For if I were to ‘clean’ the floor, that would also become my responsibility from there on out

And if I were to clean all dishes, that burden would be placed on me as well

And if I were to hand over money to help with expenses, I would be expected to pay for EVERYTHING – from the the rent to the bills to the groceries in the fridge. There would be no splitting from the second I handed over the first set amount.

And the scooter and bicycle would constantly need to be replaced because they constantly be targets by an alcoholic and end up damaged.

Yes, bikes and scooters and bikes can be replaced

Yes, taking over cleaning would mean a cleaner environment

Yes, ‘helping’ with expenses would be the smart move

But if everything was placed ON ME to do

If bicycles and scooters are constantly needing to be replaced

It becomes about learning to say ‘No’

Because it’s about the principle of the situation

I SHOULDN’T be the only one cleaning the house

I SHOULDN’T be the only one cleaning the floor

I SHOULDN’T be the only one paying for things

I SHOULDN’T have to constantly be replacing bicycles and scooters because they were destroyed by an alcoholic

Because TALKING to the individuals involved is like talking to a brick wall

I can talk all I want

I can make all the requests I want

It becomes futile if it constantly falls on deaf ears

So I don’t wash dishes

So I don’t clean the floor

So I don’t help with expenses

So I don’t leave my son’s bicycle and scooter in harms way

Because I’d rather look ‘bad’ from the outside knowing full well what’s happening on the inside

Because either way, it becomes a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation

Because if I don’t do it, I look bad

But if I do, and then it comes out what’s been happening, I still look bad because I did it anyway

So I’ll take the initial ‘hit’ where it looks like I’m not ‘helping’

Because I know full well what’s going on behind the scenes and the story behind it

It’s easy to give ‘advice’ from a distance

Lift the veil and I’ll be more than happy to show you the truth

This time, I have concrete evidence to back me up

The first time I may been dealing with a slick con man who knew how to hide evidence

But the second time around, the individuals involved dug their own grave and made it easier to prove my case