With Hindsight Comes Clarity

Distance usually provides a better picture

Allowing time to process things

Going into a big move (especially one that involved a child and a new country), the unknown was a HUGE factor

The one thing that didn’t even cross our minds was unearthing a psychopathic narcissist

But that’s what happened

And it was something that took time to figure out, as a lot of odd things were happening at the new place that shouldn’t have been happening

And it all related the HVAC system

But since I didn’t have access to the thermostat, the only thing I was going off of was what the system itself was doing

And since the weather was getting cooler since we were heading into fall, our apartment was getting cold. Nothing changed as winter started. The only time any heat came on was when the landlord was home, since she lived on the property at the time.

As the troublesome tenant began figuring out I might he onto him, he began to slowly terrorize us. And he used the HVAC system to do it.

Freeze us in the winter with no heat

Freeze us in the summer with the AC running continuously

And he knew no one would believe me

Because even when I asked him to turn it off to give the AC a break, he said no because ‘it was too hot’ upstairs

Even though all he had to do was close the curtains and turn on some fans

No amount of negotiations or requests for compromise was considered on his end

And as I sit here typing this, I am sitting in a room with a window open and the AC off because it’s cool enough outside where the AC isn’t warranted

But if we still in that apartment with the narcissist…

Even though it’s cool enough for the AC to NOT be running…

The AC would still be running continuously

Because it’s all about control and power

Trying to force me to submit

Which wasn’t going to happen

No matter how hard he tried

And yes, I am still 100% positive he was being psychologically abusive

An abuser doesn’t need to be violent to cause harm

Because even though you couldn’t see what he was doing

I did

Because even though you haven’t seen all of the aftermath of his efforts

We have

And even though we’re a year out from living under his reign

The difference between then and now is HUGE

It put some perspective on the situation

For they say hindsight is 20/20

And with each passing day, it only emphasizes I was right

And with each passing day, we’re one step closer to healing

It’s the Principle

When there’s a dirty kitchen to be cleaned but I refused to clean it

When there’s an extremely dirty floor that I could have helped take care of

When there are dirty dishes that need to be rewashed in order to be usable but I refuse to touch them

When there are expenses that can be split to ease the financial burden but I refuse to hand over a single penny

When I can leave my son’s scooter and bicycle on the patio but I refuse to leave them there

For if I ‘clean’ the kitchen, even just once, it became my responsibility from that day forward

For if I were to ‘clean’ the floor, that would also become my responsibility from there on out

And if I were to clean all dishes, that burden would be placed on me as well

And if I were to hand over money to help with expenses, I would be expected to pay for EVERYTHING – from the the rent to the bills to the groceries in the fridge. There would be no splitting from the second I handed over the first set amount.

And the scooter and bicycle would constantly need to be replaced because they constantly be targets by an alcoholic and end up damaged.

Yes, bikes and scooters and bikes can be replaced

Yes, taking over cleaning would mean a cleaner environment

Yes, ‘helping’ with expenses would be the smart move

But if everything was placed ON ME to do

If bicycles and scooters are constantly needing to be replaced

It becomes about learning to say ‘No’

Because it’s about the principle of the situation

I SHOULDN’T be the only one cleaning the house

I SHOULDN’T be the only one cleaning the floor

I SHOULDN’T be the only one paying for things

I SHOULDN’T have to constantly be replacing bicycles and scooters because they were destroyed by an alcoholic

Because TALKING to the individuals involved is like talking to a brick wall

I can talk all I want

I can make all the requests I want

It becomes futile if it constantly falls on deaf ears

So I don’t wash dishes

So I don’t clean the floor

So I don’t help with expenses

So I don’t leave my son’s bicycle and scooter in harms way

Because I’d rather look ‘bad’ from the outside knowing full well what’s happening on the inside

Because either way, it becomes a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation

Because if I don’t do it, I look bad

But if I do, and then it comes out what’s been happening, I still look bad because I did it anyway

So I’ll take the initial ‘hit’ where it looks like I’m not ‘helping’

Because I know full well what’s going on behind the scenes and the story behind it

It’s easy to give ‘advice’ from a distance

Lift the veil and I’ll be more than happy to show you the truth

This time, I have concrete evidence to back me up

The first time I may been dealing with a slick con man who knew how to hide evidence

But the second time around, the individuals involved dug their own grave and made it easier to prove my case

For the First Time in 3 Years…

We’re sleeping in a space that’s comfortable

Where the air isn’t freezing constantly (because of an abuser)

Nor are we frying because of a lack of an AC during a heat wave like we were earlier this summer

For the first time in 3 years, we’re going out because we WANT to

Not because we’re trying to warm up

Or because we’re trying to get away from toxic people

For the first time in 3 years, we’re not being grilled as we leave about where we’re going or where we’ve been

For the first time in 3 years, we don’t have to worry about being eavesdropped on

For the first time in 3 years, we don’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid having our activities used against us

For the first time in a year, we have access to a workable kitchen and can actually make meals again

For the first time in a year, we’re no longer having just sandwiches for dinner because of having access to a clean kitchen and clean cooking equipment

For the first time in a year, we have access to a clean floor so my son can actually play with toys

For the first time in a year, we have access to a clean living room that we can sit and enjoy the company of others

Where my son can also play without worrying about a dirty floor

For the first time in a year, we’re now sleeping through the night without being woken up by screaming matches from other individuals who are intoxicated

For the first time in a year, we don’t have to worry about being woken up in the middle of the night by loud gong like sounds (which were made by intoxicated individuals hitting the washer and dryer)

For the first time in a year, we can now leave our food in the house without worrying about it being stolen by others

Which means our car is no longer being used as portable storage for food

For the first time in a year, my son’s bike and scooter can be left in the backyard without being vandalized or broken by an intoxicated individual

For the first time…

We can begin living again because someone else isn’t out to destroy

For it took several years to get out of a mess that someone else started but we were expected to solve immediately

Because it ‘shouldn’t be that hard’ to find something, despite the country being in an affordable housing crisis for individuals and families (like ours) who don’t necessarily have the means to move into the first ‘nice place’ we find

For it’s easy to judge and provide ‘advice’ from the outside

But once you’re thrust into a world where you’re constantly living in survival mode, getting out takes more than just ‘do it’

What Motivates Me

My son

The ‘other side’

The ‘light at the end of the tunnel’

That there’s more to ‘this life’ than what’s been thrown our way

We moved in hopes of finding a better support system, since we didn’t have one.

Initially, we thought we found the much needed support after ‘the move’. But that proved to be wrong, as it quickly disappeared after I began fighting back against the psychological abuse being thrown our way from our upstairs neighbor.

Then came the toxic environment with the abusive alcoholics. From the screaming matches to the tipping over of furniture, we spent more time out of the house than in it.

It became putting one foot in front of the other.

It became about showing my son not to give up.

One way or the other, we were going to get out.

Going back to the States wasn’t a viable option for a multitude of reasons

But we finally got out

And we’re slowly making our way down a new road

One we’re exploring together

Away from prying eyes and judging minds

Just Care

That’s all it takes

It shouldn’t be THAT hard

Reaching out

Giving a helping hand

Provide a hand UP

Show up

Keeping a distance may be necessary to provide space (as needed), but it shouldn’t be the norm

Be there

Be present

Even if it’s just to lend an ear while things are sorted out

Even if all you do is provide company for an hour

Just show up

There’s no one right way

Social Media

It has it’s benefits

With so many options to ‘stay in touch’, it can become easy to bury your nose in your phone

I use it

Not as much as I used to

But I refuse to touch Facebook

I deactivated my account over a year ago

I don’t miss it

I have no intention of reactivating the account

I use Messenger, but only as a way of communicating with a few people who live in other countries

After my mental health took a nose dive because of the psychologically abusive neighbor, Facebook made it worse

For anyone who was interested in staying in contact after I left the platform, they found a way to do so

There were others who went no contact even before I left the platform

The no contact list grew after I left

Most of it intentional on my end, with the random one that wasn’t

A few more were added in the last week

There will probably be more in the days and months ahead

I have no interest in reconnecting with anyone on the no contact list

Just as I have no interest in going back to Facebook

My mental health and over all well being takes priority

The Shift

Life threw us a curveball when we moved 3 years ago, as we unexpectedly crossed paths with a psychologically abusive neighbor

Life threw us another one last year, when we ended up moving into a place with abusive alcoholics in the building

Multiple curveball came our way in the last few weeks, as our vehicle needed an emergency visit to the shop in the midst of a sudden move (we found out second hand that the individuals we were staying with had two weeks to move but they never told us)

Somehow, we survived each curveball

Just barely

New surroundings

New people

New beginnings

A shift has occurred

Only time will tell it’s ‘for the good’

Peace? Is that a thing?

It’s supposed to be out there

I keep hearing it exists

The last three years have been rough

EXTREMELY rough

The last 2 weeks alone proved peace of mind wouldn’t be easy to come by

Flying by the seat of our pants the entire time

But we survived

Even if it was just barely

And it definitely paved the way for what MAY be a turning point

To what may be a peaceful road

With a peaceful ending

But with everything that’s happened, that potential peace will be walking side by side with leftover chaos

Chaos that was set in motion by others

Mindful moments will still have a place

Chaos may want to reign supreme

But it’ll be knocked down

One step at a time

I Can Explain it to You, But I Can’t Understand it for You

For what goes on in my world doesn’t always make sense in yours

Nor is it my responsibility to make it make sense

People are people

While there are things in this lifetime that YOU wouldn’t do, it’s not going to stop someone else from doing it

And while there activities that, on the surface, make no sense to you…

…but once you start to dig deeper, pieces of the puzzle start falling into place

Words can only convey so much

Images can deceive

Take a moment

Sit back

Read between the lines

Not everything is black and white, nor does it always fit nicely in a mold

What Would You Change About Modern Society?

A lot of things.

Mainly, how we view and deal with each other.

There’s a lot of snap judgements being made based on perception and images. Sit down and talk with people. Don’t just sit on the sidelines and base your view of the situation on second hand information.

If there’s a situation involving an individual that seems sketchy to you, what are you doing to get information about that particular situation (and the individual involved)? How are you coming to the conclusion you have? Are there details about the situation that you don’t know about? Have you gone to the individual in question and inquired if anything may be ‘off’? Are assumptions being made based on who they’ve been associated with (either in the past or in the present)? Is there something that the individual in question can bring forward to change your view? What would it take to get you to walk into the situation with an open mind?

For the past 3 years, I’ve been stuck in a situation that isn’t black and white. Assumptions are being made based on a slew of things, from inaccurate perceptions to false presumptions, compounded with ‘that’s not my experience’ scenarios. I can tell you until I’m blue in the face the type of help I need, but since it doesn’t fit in a cold, I’m getting lost in the shuffle.

So, if I coud change anything about modern society, it would be how they view and deal with anything that isn’t straightforward. Not every problem fits in a mold and can be easily solved with a ‘one size fits all’ solution. Before you go jumping to conclusions, pause. What would you do if you were stuck in a situation that wasn’t straightforward and everyone was giving you the exact same ‘solution’ that you’ve already tried (multiple times)?