Relationships: A Two Way Street?

They say that relationships are a two way street and that it takes two to tango. There are a set of individuals who have insisted on having a relationship with my 5 year old son, but refuse to put any effort into it. As it sits right now, we are expected to put forth the effort to make any and all plans regarding visits and time together. We send them plans about what we’ll be doing (and when), as well as go over to their place(s) to visit. However, no effort was made on their end in regards to meeting us at any outting we send them info on, nor did they make any effort to visit us at our place for a visit. They would always end up complaining about having no relationship with my son. It was clear that it was becoming one sided and their actions (or lack thereof) became louder than their words. Since moving, they have not reached out once. I have absolutely no interest in reaching out to them.

Going forward, the door will be left open if they choose to step through it. However, until they decide to change their ways (which probably won’t be any time soon), we’re not making any effort to go out of our way to include them. It takes two to make any relationship to work and I refuse to go out of my way to make it work. They’re losing out on the opportunity to know a wonderful human being.

Support vs. Supportive

We have come across many people since our son was born over 5 years ago. There are some that are put into our ‘inner circle’ and stay there (even if we think they don’t belong and initially don’t have a way of removing them from that ‘inner circle’). There are others who are just passing through. Some are meant to stay the duration, while others are like ships in the night and fade away.

One thing I’ve noticed is that while almost everyone offers support, it’s not always supportive. There are those individuals who may ‘support’ you, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, won’t be supportive (we know a few of those individuals). It’s one thing to offer all the moral support necessary, cheering someone on from the sidelines (the ‘support’). It’s something completely different if you know someone is in the trenches and drowning (being ‘supportive’). When we moved, we left beind a group of individuals who were good at offering moral support, but refused to jump in to offer any sort of supportive role to get you through a tough spot. If you were to approach these individuals to try to explain the difference, they would look at you like you had two heads. They had no problems jumping in to be supportive of each other, but when it came to us, it felt like a double standard. Trying to explain the situation to others who were on the outskirts also proved to be difficult because of the image that these individuals were using.

Have you ever encountered a situation with individuals who had trouble seeing the difference? Did you find something that worked to help them understand?

Hitting a Rough Patch

I am currently in the middle of a rough patch. The week leading up to Mother’s Day weekend, my son was home from school sick (he came home from school that Tuesday not acting like himself and he ended up staying home the rest of the week with a bug). The following week was spent prepping for and hosting company over the holiday weekend. The first day back to school from the long weekend, I get a phone call from my son’s school asking to come pick him up as he was not acting like himself (he fell asleep twice while at school). He ended up spending the next few days at home with another bug.

With virtually no outside help and lacking a way to adequate redirect my frustrations, it caused my anxiety to soar. It hasn’t exactly been easy to say how frustrating it has been since everytime I try, it falls on deaf ears. So, as a result, I’m doing something else that I know works: getting creative. I may not have the much needed village right now, but at least I have the ability to redirect the energy into something creative. Our walls have very little in the way of decoration, so I’m out to fix that. There will definitely be more to come.

Married Single Mom

I just discovered the term ‘Married single mom’ and that it is deemed as a controversial topic. Being a mother myself, I can see why.

Motherhood in and of itself isn’t an easy journey. Each situation is unique in it’s own right. There are challenges that both single and married moms face. I am very well aware that even talking about this will get me in hot water because, while I am married, I can understand (and can relate) to how a married mother can feel single. It may seem completely unintentional on the part of the father, but the mother usually inherits the mental load that comes with having children. Yes, there’s been a shift in recent decades and fathers have picked up more of the load, but there’s an invisible mental load that usually falls on the mothers shoulders.

Recently, a video went viral that involved a mother being the one soley responsible for taking the kids out of the car and bringing them into the house while the father was playing on his phone. You can find the story here.

For me, it raises a ton of questions, with the biggest one being why does a mother have to be the one who constantly has to ask for help? There comes a point where she is going to stop asking because it’s easier to just do (constantly asking can make any mother feel defeated for a myiad of reasons). It takes 2 to tango in any relationship and if it’s feeling very one sided, trying to explain it can sometimes be harder than it needs to be.

While I agree that single mothers may have it harder than mothers who are married – married mothers are supposed to have that built in support with a husband around – but there are situations where a married mother can find herself feeling as though she is single because the support she needs isn’t there and no amount trying to involve the husband is working.

What’s the Biggest Lie You’ve Been Told?

For me, it’s ‘All you have to do is ask!’ It’s gotten to the point where I’ve stopped asking because the response is usually the same: ‘I’m unavailable’ (even though you know their schedule is wide open) or ‘I forgot’ (even though the forgetfulness is unintentional).

The end result is usually the same: you start to feel like you’re invisible, so you stop asking. That, in and of itself, leads you down a whole other road that people don’t see and it’s one that you don’t feel like explaining because it would take more energy than you have to do so.

Anxiety, Panic Attacks & Reality

I have panic attacks. I’ve gotten them since I was a teenager, but didn’t realize what they were until the last few years.

Due to circumastances beyond my control, I’ve been having a lot of them lately – on a daily basis with one right after another for multiple days in a row. Only within the last 24 hours have they started to ease a little with the frequency starting to wane. I have been told that mediation and yoga help, but those aren’t an option right now. Art therapy does help. At least, with me it does since it helps to redirect some of that unwanted energy into something positive. I haven’t been able to participate in any thing art related over over the last few weeks, largely due to having a kid who got sick twice and a holiday weekend thrown in the mix.

When faced with the need to vent and to let it go, what are some of your favourite ways to let off steam and re-centre yourself?

It’s a long day when…

So, yesterday started off on a bad note for everyone. Everyone in the house was up early and in meltdown mode before 7am. While things seemed to have settled by mid morning, by early afternoon, the day took another unexpected turn when I get a phone call asking to pick my son up from school (they suspected he was sick). Upon picking him up, I was told he fell asleep twice while there (once outside and once right around lunch). We get home and he gets his temperature taken: he has a fever. The rest of the day is spent cuddling on the couch while watching videos.

Today, my son still has a fever and he was kept home. Thnakfully, whatever bug he has seems to be minor. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover how I fell right now, nor does mentally drained. There’s a level of exhaustion that goes beyond words and no amount of sleep can fix right now. This is the second time my son has been sick in the last week and a half, with a holiday weekend thrown in-between.

A Mother’s Mental Health

In Canada, on average, 23% of mothers are dealing with some sort of mental disorder. The ability or desire to talk to someone may not always be present. Even if there is an individual that a mother can reach out to, she may not. Voices inside her own head, left there from anxiety and depression, tell her differently. While it may be easy to say ‘All you have to do is…’, please understand that it may be more worthwhile if you reach out. Even if it’s just to say that you’re coming over to drop off a meal or a cup of coffee, a visit – just to visit – can have a positive impact on the mother’s mental health (it does with me).

As many of you may have heard, one of the original mommy bloggers, Heather Armstrong, passed away via suicide (full story can be found here). Unfortunately, she’s not the first. Also unfortunately, she may not be the last. If you know her story, you know she had her fair share of struggles.

I would like to re-emphasize this: if you are aware that a mother may be struggling, touch base. There are red flags that have been thrown up, but can be easily missed. People get busy, so it’s understandable if you’re not able to commit to anything right off the bat. However, all it takes is a moment to reach out to touch base. You very well may be opening the door for someone who now has an avenue to seek help. If an individual knows that someone is in their corner, no matter what, a large load it taken off their shoulders. You never know what someone is going through and the struggle that they my be facing behind closed doors.

The Word ‘No’…

I view the word ‘No’ as a complete sentence. There are many reasons why I’ve said no to things, from being too exhausted to I have no interest to I don’t have the time.

Most of the time, if I’ve said no, it’s no questions asked and it goes no further. However, there are certain instances with a handful of people where it feels I’m being grilled just for saying no. If an explanation is needed (and given), the reason behind the no is often made to seem inadequate and wrong. It can be very frustrating due to the fact that I shouldn’t have to give a lengthy response for what should be a simple answer and made to feel horrible for it.

I have since distanced myself (purposefully) from the majority of the naysayers (with the exception of one) and it’s kinda nice to not to have to constantly explain myself. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the other side refuses to accept your ‘no’?

The Need of a Support System…

Today marks day 3 that my kindergartener is home sick from school. While I love having my child around, it’s still been a rough few days. With my husband in a different country and only one relative living within close proximity (and not in a position to help), I’m exhausted. I honestly would love to be in a position where I can tag team in & out so I can get a break, or have someone drop off a meal (or even come in and do dishes). Unfortunately, since the vast majority of my relatives don’t live close by (nor do any of my friends, catching a break to take a break isn’t proving to be easy. I’ve been trying to sneak in a break where possible, but it’s difficult to do when you have a sick child and their needs come first.

There have been times in the past where I’ve vented out loud about being exhausted after caring for a sick child. Individuals that are supposed to be in our ‘inner circle’ have turned around and said ‘It’s a part of being a parent’ – which is true, to a point. Children are going to get sick and you’re going to be exhausted as a result of helping them get better. HOWEVER, if you’re caring for them and NO ONE is around to help take care of you, exhaustion and burn out become a problem. One person can only do so much.

If you see someone with a sick child, take a moment and ask what they may need. Or, even better, drop off a meal. Sometimes, it’s the littlest things that can make the biggest difference. Not all heroes wear capes