I refuse to be baited

I refuse to be poked

I refuse to be prodded

I refuse to be forced to react

I refuse to let you keep the control

You’ve been trying

The silence may be deafening, but yet it speaks volumes

You’re behavior and actions speak for you

You’re starting to rely heavily on your playbook to elicit a reaction

But it’s not working, so you try harder

The past 4 days, you’ve dug in deep

You keep pushing the boundaries, testing the limits

I refuse to react

I see through you

I am allowed to be angry

Not only at you, but at your actions

At your behavior

Your obsession

The relentlessly

I know

But you keep trying

And your obsession grows

You’ve been silent

A LOT

I know by now it means that you’re up to something

I know not to try to figure out your next move

It’s futile

It’s acknowledged but that’s about it

I can play defense

Or go on the offensive

But again, it’s futile

All it is is one big chess game

A chess game I’m refusing to participate in

Ignore. Grey rock. Move on.

The only way to deal with you and you’re obsessive chess game, depriving you of any information

‘Why didn’t you leave sooner?’

‘It mustn’t be that bad…’

Just a few of the lines I’ve been fed the past few months

Explaining the effects of the narcissist, but not being able to have the ability to show the depth of his reach

The psychological impact

The mental health issues

The long term effects

What goes on behind closed doors

The debilitating effects of psychological warfare

When you’re fighting an uphill battle

When you’re living in survival mode

When he digs in deeper because he’s trying to keep his control, his power

To reason with him only makes it worse because he now knows what you’re thinking and uses it against you

To destroy your entire life with every move you make

Behind closed doors, you do your best work

Behind closed doors, you bring out the worst

Behind closed doors, the real you emerges

The control

The obsession

The power

The need to dominate

Behind closed doors, the mask comes off

Behind closed doors, the truth comes out

Behind closed doors, everything is done with a calculated move

Behind closed doors, invisible scars are made

Behind closed doors, the mental games begin

Behind closed doors, where no one else is a witness

Behind closed doors, because you know

The image is to be protected at all costs

So behind closed doors, you do your dirty work

Where I don’t have to worry about walk on eggshells

Where I can speak and not worry about the eavesdropping

Where I don’t have to worry about retaliation simply for speaking up

Where I can stop worrying about the consequences of your actions

Where I can feel peace in my own home

Where you will no longer have control

Where I can finally stop

I may not be able to stop you or your harmful behavior, but there will be a day where I will no longer be a target

Where I can be free

When I can start healing

The day will come

The journey won’t be easy, but you’re reach will no longer block my path

You took away my voice

You took away my mental well being

You took away what should have been a new beginning

You took away a safe home environment

You took away more things than I dare count

You instilled fear

You forced me to walk on eggshells

You retaliate if I fight back

But I’m turning the tables

I’m taking my voice back

I’m starting to stand up for myself

I’m doing it behind your back

Because I know full well that if I do it with you watching, you’ll dig in your heels even more

One step at a time

One breath at a time

One moment at a time

I am facing the fear that you leave with your presence, your very existence

It’s time to be brave

You’ve instilled a sense of fear

It was so subtle

It snuck up on me

It was intentional

You know what you’re doing

But it is being faced head on

You can keep on trying to push it

But I refuse to let you control me

Or the fear you instill…

For weeks, you have been eerily quiet

You’ve forced your family to comply with your plan

I may not know what your plan is, but I don’t care

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve stopped trying to figure out your motives

All I know is you’re determined to make me feel like I’m going crazy

To get me to react

To make me feel like I’m the ‘bad one’

You’re trying in your own demented way

Your day will come

I may not know when or how, but it’ll happen

It can take years to earn, but only a second to crumble

It can happen so suddenly, that once it’s gone, you wonder if it’s worth earning it back

A whole new outlook is presented

Just because you lose trust in someone important, the ripple effect that it now has on everyone around you

The new way of thinking suddenly becomes: ‘Trust no one’

If someone you knew and trusted wholeheartedly suddenly breaks that trust, there’s no going back

There’s the option of starting over,but is it worth it if all you can think of is how you were betrayed?

In their mind, they may have been thinking they were doing the right thing. But it reality, the decision backfired and trust was lost

You now look at everyone differently

Trying not to

But the trust is broken

And so is the view of the shattered world that follows

All because I reached out

And no one wants to believe me

#behindcloseddoors

I’ve tried

I reached out

I reacted

I argued

I tried explaining

I took all the right steps

All I got in return was silence

If it wasn’t silence, it was retaliation

So, withdrawal it is