I have a feeling you were told.

Yesterday, you did something you haven’t done in months: you turned the heat on.

It may not seem like a big deal. But it was a Saturday. You always leave the heat off on a Saturday. The bylaw officers don’t work weekends, so you make it a point to leave the heat off because of it.

Yesterday, it was cycling. The way it was cycling indicated you were trying to skirt the rules. It wasn’t cycling with the frequency it should have, considering how cold it was outside. Then it stopped cycling all together.

The ‘dog whistle’ started again, too. You changed the way your playing the whistle, but the fact that you’re playing it again says a lot.

Actions speak louder than words

I know you know what I did.

Every thing you do is being noted.

My nerves may be frayed

My frustrations may be through the roof

My mental health may be obliterated

But I will continue to make my voice heard

Even if the frustration keeps building up

Even if you make sure my frustrations levels stay elevated

I am not your pawn

My nerves are shot

The last two weeks have been very mentally draining. And it’s not over yet. The next week and a half are going to be no different.

Based on the last few days, there’s a suspicion that the narcissist has been told to knock it off. I don’t think he will.

For someone who loves his power…

For someone who loves his control…

Change isn’t going to happen unless he’s forced out. Even then, he’s not going to hand anything over willingly.

There’s a fight coming. One that’s going to turn out to be harder to fight than expected.

My nerves are frayed.

The mental exhaustion has taken hold.

One breath at a time…

My hope now is that my son and I come out on the other side alive.

The ripple effect of what you’ve done is immense.

I can see the damage piling up behind me, the debris everywhere, like a tornado that just swept through. Leaving miles and miles of damage in its wake, waiting to be cleaned up and sorted.

It’ll likely take YEARS to recover.

But you don’t care.

The ripple effect. So many lives affected. So much damage done.

But here I am, sitting on the fence. I know very well what needs to be done. I know very well I need out. I know there’s a path to get there. But access to it has been blocked. By you, nonetheless.

Your need for control. For power. To rub it in.

So, for now, I sit tight.

I see the path out, even though I don’t have access to it. You’ve made sure of that.

I see the way out. My nerves may be shot. My exhaustion may be at an all time high (with the expectation that it’ll get worse). My brain may be in a fog.

But here I’ll sit. Slowly plotting my way out. Trying to make my voice heard. Fighting to make sure my child is no longer under your reign. He deserves to have his freedom. The freedom you keep trying to deny both of us.

I know not to reveal any plans. To not say a word. But you’ll still try regardless. You like staying several steps ahead.

I see the ripple effect…

I’m mad that I’ve been put into this position

I’m mad that I can’t get people to believe me about how bad it is

I’m mad that I can’t get it to stop

I’m mad that my life is being flipped upside down

I’m mad that if feels like I’m going nowhere

I’m mad that my son is being put through this

I’m mad that I have no help

I’m mad that I have no support (that’s what it feels like to me)

I’m mad that my voice got taken away

I’m mad

And I will continue to be mad until a way is found to make it stop

All I hear is silence

It’s gotten to the point where it’s all I hear

It permeates through the building as loud as a lion’s roar, even though it doesn’t make a sound

It’s deafening, but so loud that it can’t be ignored

Everyone seems to be doubling down that I’m the problematic one, but you’re silence says otherwise

No matter how loud the silence gets

No matter how long you give your silent treatment

Your silence speaks volumes

Your silence tells a story

Your silence…

…I will be heard

Even if your silence says otherwise

I know you’re trying to take my voice.

Every time I speak up, I see you dig in your heels.

Every time I stay silent, I see you dig in your heels.

So far, you’ve been successful.

I have taken my stand. I put in my formal statement and complaint last week. Do I think I’ll be heard? I do not know.

You’re reputation, your ‘image’, has held you in high esteem. I have no idea if it’ll crack. I have no idea if I’ll be believed.

You started a war.

You’re determined for me to lose the war.

You’re determined to keep my voice silent.

Broken.

Unheard.

Buried.

I know how dangerous you are

I see it in how you handle yourself

I see it in how you behave

I see it in how your family behaves

I am very well aware of this situation can become extremely dangerous in a heart beat

I am very well aware that your mood can dictate exactly how dangerous things will get

I have already seen what things you are capable of so far. The extent you will go to to keep your control, your power and your way of life. I know you don’t care how it’s affecting anyone else.

It is only a matter of time before you find out what I did. It is only a matter of time before you turn the tables and take it out on me. Exactly what that will look like? I do not know. You keep things close until you determine when to set it loose.

The only thing that I am certain of is that the end result will be further destruction. After all, how dare I disobey you. How dare I reveal your secrets. How dare I try to take away your power, your control.

I have absolutely no intention of making things worse. I only want it to stop.

I know you’re dangerous.

I know you’re about to make it a whole lot worse.

I’ve asked the question a million times.

Why?

You know what you’re doing is wrong

You know what you’re doing is causing harm

You know what you’re doing is having negative consequences

You know you’re being deceitful

You know what you’re doing is detrimental

You know, but you don’t care

You know, but you do it anyway

You know

I can ask the question as many times as I want, but I know you’re not going to give me an honest answer.

I can ask the question, but it’s pointless.

I am allowed to ask, even if I know I’ll never get an answer. I am allowed to ask, even, even though it won’t bring closure. I’m allowed to ask, because I will always be curious about what makes a narcissist tick. It won’t solve anything, nor will it fix anything. It’s not something that I will lose sleep over.

But I will always wonder why…