Me vs. You

I know you don’t want my voice heard

I know you dig your heels in deeper every time I try to speak up

I know you’re trying harder with your ‘dog whistle’

I know you’re trying to make me feel like I’m going crazy

I know you’re trying to make think I’m imagining things

I know you think you’re going to come out on top

I know I’m probably starting to sound like a broken record

I know I may lose

I know you may win

I know that if I don’t try, I’ll never know

I’d rather stand up for myself and fail, then try nothing at all.

The Battle is Coming

We’re about to go head to head. And it’s coming in the most unexpected way.

Looking ahead, I have two choices on when to expose your dirty work. Upon some reflection, I have decided to go with the option that will air things out sooner rather than later.

I know there will be retaliation. You’ve already proven that in the past few months. I know it’ll only get worse from here, as the date gets closer. It’ll be made known to everyone involved that I believe there will be retaliation. That it’ll be subtle. That it’s meant to be under the radar. But it’ll be there, that it’ll happen in such a way that it’ll make us even more uncomfortable than we already are.

We shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable in our own apartment that we need to leave to make the feeling go away. We shouldn’t feel do uncomfortable that it feels like we’re being pushed out just because I figured out what you were doing the thermostat. We shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable that it feels like we’re being targeted just for saying something and requesting that it stop.

I shouldn’t have to fear any of us saying something only for it to be used against us because you were eavesdropping on us while we were in our living room. I shouldn’t have to fear speaking up about the situation, knowing that there’s a strong possibility that you’ll use it to retaliate and make it worse. I shouldn’t have to fear you. I shouldn’t have to fear my own apartment.

I am taking a stand. In the end, I may still lose, but I’d rather go down swinging knowing I tried than to stay quiet and lose everything.

I have a voice and I am going to use it. I may fear you. I may fear the retaliation that you have planned for me for simply speaking up. But I’d rather speak up and speak out and be heard. My voice is important, even if you think it’s not.

You’re Exhausting

I’m tired

I’m tired from the lack of sleep that you’re causing

I’m tired of dealing with your two faced persona

I’m tired you’re flying monkeys taking over after you leave

I’m tired of dealing with your ‘dog whistle’

I’m tired of trying to defend myself against your image

I’m tired of not being believed

I’m tired of feeling like I’ve been backed into a corner

I’m tired of having to deal with the hand you keep giving me

I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’ve been pushed past my limits

I’m tired of feeling like I’m past my breaking point

I’m tired of all this bullshit

I’m tired of having to deal with the consequences of your actions

I’m tired of having to deal with you

I’m tired.

You’re exhausting. You’ve overstepped your boundaries. You’re no longer welcome here. You’re the one who needs to leave, not me.

The Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

I see the wolf hidden beneath that sheep exterior.

I see the change in your eyes when you talk.

I see how you avoid looking me in the eye when you speak.

I catch the slip of the tongue when you catch yourself in a lie.

I see how you try to avoid contact when I’m near.

I see you trying to change your tactics, but yet they stay the same.

The world sees a sheep. I see a wolf.

The world sees a family man. I see a sleazy used car salesman.

The world sees a good Christian. I see the devil.

The world sees what you put in front of them. I see the man behind the curtain.

I see you.

I Know

I know you’re watching.

I know you’re waiting.

I know you think you’re going to come out on the other side victorious.

I know you have ‘flying monkeys’ to help you when you’re not around.

I know you’re trying to make me feel like I’m going crazy, losing my mind.

I know you like to try to be one step ahead.

I know you like using your ‘dog whistle’.

I know you’re cunning.

I know you’re charming.

I know you’re charismatic.

I know.

I Found Your Playbook

It was hiding in plain sight.

What was once hidden is now in visible.

It felt like my world was falling apart at the seems. What was once calm waters turned into an unexpected storm. A whirlwind of emotions started to surface and they came out of nowhere. Confusion started to reign supreme. Chaos ensued.

Then, out of nowhere, your playbook fell right into my lap. It all started to make sense. What was once unseen is now visible.

The tables will turn. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow or even next week. I may not be anywhere near you when it happens. Karma has a way of working things out.

I found your playbook.

It doesn’t solve the problem. I wasn’t expecting it to. In the end, it may not be a problem for me to solve.

I found your playbook.

There will be a day where you will write your own downfall. I may not be there to watch it happen. That’s not my decision to make. I can rest assured that I helped bring your downfall. I got the ball rolling.

I found your playbook.

Behind Your Mask

I see your true colours

Behind your mask, I see what you really are

Behind your mask, I see how weak you are

Behind your mask, I how you play your family to exact revenge on me

Behind your mask, I see the deception

Behind your mask, I see what lies beneath

Behind your mask, I see the truth

Behind your mask, I see what you hide from the rest of the world

Behind your mask, I see your fear because of what I can expose

The universe is watching. God is watching. Both are waiting. You can’t outrun your destiny.

Behind your mask, I see you.

Dear Narcissist,

I see you switching up your ‘dog whistle’.

I see you going from one extreme to the other.

I see you going from eerily quiet to extremely noisy at the most inappropriate times.

I see you going from charming to cunning.

I see you going with a small grain of truth that is hidden in a lie.

I see the smirk behind the mask.

I see the digging in your heels to protect your image while trying to throw me under the bus.

I see the real you, the version that you want no one else to see.

I see the nuances.

I see the change in behaviour.

I see the man behind the mask.

I see you.

The Narcissist and his ‘Dog Whistle’

For the past 2 (almost 3) months, I have intentionally ignored any time the narcissist has attempted to use his ‘dog whistle’. It took a few weeks for him to pick up on it. Slowly, as the weeks passed, his attempts picked up in intensity. As much as he may try to make me feel like I’m going crazy in order to elicit a reaction, I’ve kept my mouth shut.

For the past 2 weeks or so, he’s attempted to change his angle. He’s still attempting to elicit a reaction (such as keeping the heat off for the entire building at a time when it should be on), but he’s added a new trick to the mix: he’s trying to have his entire family be eerily quiet when they’re home. The atmosphere of the building as changed with it. Since his family lives on the floor above us, we can hear them and they can hear us. For them to remain quiet with a VERY active four year old is a feat in and of itself. It’s made it feel like they’re using the opportunity to eavesdrop. As uncomfortable as it was BEFORE they started the ‘eerie quiet game’, the uncomfortableness has only gotten worse.

The landlord already knows about what is going on with the interference with the heat, but has chosen to ignore it. The Province of Ontario, where we live, has been notified of what’s going on since it illegal for someone to interfere with a vital service, but due to a backlog, it’s taking longer than usual to get our case heard.

The goal right now is to make it to the hearing in one piece and let the narcissist dig his own grave.

‘The Dog Whistle’ That Won’t Stop

Ever since the narcissist noticed I stopped reacting to his ‘dog whistle’, he has made a concerted effort to get a reaction. With each day that passes, his efforts increase. Today, for example, he decided to cut off the heat for the entire building. Normally, it would have cycled on maybe once or twice in the middle of the day or once he heard the other tenant in the building moving around. Not today.

It’s been hovering in the single digits all day, so the heat should be cycling pretty consistently if it were running like it’s supposed to. However, since he has an obsession with being in control (to prove a point) and a vendetta, he’s keeping it off.

There is a day set aside in April where I can present my case concerning his actions. The more he digs in his heels, the bigger he’s digging his grave. It is taking every single ounce to not react, since that’s what he wants.