The Narcissist and his ‘Dog Whistle’

For the past 2 (almost 3) months, I have intentionally ignored any time the narcissist has attempted to use his ‘dog whistle’. It took a few weeks for him to pick up on it. Slowly, as the weeks passed, his attempts picked up in intensity. As much as he may try to make me feel like I’m going crazy in order to elicit a reaction, I’ve kept my mouth shut.

For the past 2 weeks or so, he’s attempted to change his angle. He’s still attempting to elicit a reaction (such as keeping the heat off for the entire building at a time when it should be on), but he’s added a new trick to the mix: he’s trying to have his entire family be eerily quiet when they’re home. The atmosphere of the building as changed with it. Since his family lives on the floor above us, we can hear them and they can hear us. For them to remain quiet with a VERY active four year old is a feat in and of itself. It’s made it feel like they’re using the opportunity to eavesdrop. As uncomfortable as it was BEFORE they started the ‘eerie quiet game’, the uncomfortableness has only gotten worse.

The landlord already knows about what is going on with the interference with the heat, but has chosen to ignore it. The Province of Ontario, where we live, has been notified of what’s going on since it illegal for someone to interfere with a vital service, but due to a backlog, it’s taking longer than usual to get our case heard.

The goal right now is to make it to the hearing in one piece and let the narcissist dig his own grave.

‘The Dog Whistle’ That Won’t Stop

Ever since the narcissist noticed I stopped reacting to his ‘dog whistle’, he has made a concerted effort to get a reaction. With each day that passes, his efforts increase. Today, for example, he decided to cut off the heat for the entire building. Normally, it would have cycled on maybe once or twice in the middle of the day or once he heard the other tenant in the building moving around. Not today.

It’s been hovering in the single digits all day, so the heat should be cycling pretty consistently if it were running like it’s supposed to. However, since he has an obsession with being in control (to prove a point) and a vendetta, he’s keeping it off.

There is a day set aside in April where I can present my case concerning his actions. The more he digs in his heels, the bigger he’s digging his grave. It is taking every single ounce to not react, since that’s what he wants.

‘The Dog Whistle’, Part 2

For the better part of the last month and a half, I have made it a point to ignore the narcissists attempts to get me to react to his dog whistle routine. It took a couple of weeks for him to realize I may have been ignoring his attempts. In return, he has gradually increased his efforts to no avail.

However, that changed. For the past two days, he has decided to increase his efforts exponentially and has decided to cut the heat off for the entire building. It started yesterday morning and the heat stayed off for the entire day. It did eventually come on again but it wasn’t until the middle of the night. We were gone for most of the day, so it didn’t affect us too much (my son had a doctor’s appointment in the morning and we had a play day for the rest of the day). Today, the same thing happened: the heat was off by 7:15am and has been off since.

The landlord is aware of the situation but she is choosing to turn a blind eye to it because of his ‘family man image’ and he’s been helping her out financially by paying some of the bills related to the building.

To say I am livid would be the understatement of the year. Since we live in the Province of Ontario, an application was submitted to the Landlord Tenant Board regarding the issue. He was made aware of it, but he’s unphased by it and keeps turning the heat off (despite it being against the law). I’m expecting it to get worse because he has no qualms about sacrificing everyone else’s safety and comfort just to get his way.

‘The Dog Whistle’

If you’ve never had the displeasure of dealing with a narcissist, they have a secret weapon they like to use: it’s termed ‘the dog whistle’. A narcissist makes it a point to learn things that will set you off. At some point, they will take that knowledge and use it to elicit a reaction, usually a negative one. If it just so happens to be in a public setting when it happens, everyone else will be oblivious to it because the narcissist knows the intention to is to trigger you and get a reaction, making you look like the crazy one.

Over the past year, the narcissist that I’ve had the displeasure of dealing with learned a few of my pet peeves. Randomly, he would do ‘the dog whistle’ to elicit a reaction. There would be times I react (everyone is prone to a bad day and there were times I’d react).

For the past month, I’ve made it a point to not react since I discovered that by not reacting, you’re not fueling the fire. It took a couple of weeks but he figured out I wasn’t reacting like I was before. As a result, for the past week or so he’s tried amplifying his efforts. Try as he might, I’ve been biting my tongue. I’d rather have a bloody mouth than fuel the fire. It seems to have only intensified his efforts because he’s finding it harder to push my buttons. Since this past Saturday, he’s changed his tactics multiple times. No response whatsoever from my end. The more I ignore him, the harder he tries. I have never met someone as determined as him to bring someone down.

When the Narcissist Insists on Playing Dirty…

For the past month, I have made it a point to refuse to react to anything the narcissist upstairs tries to throw my way. Initially, it wasn’t that hard. It took about 2 weeks for him to figure out what I was doing. Once he figured it out, he slowly started to make an effort to try to elicit a reaction.

While this may not seem like a big deal, if you’re dealing with a narcissist – it is a big deal. We’re both at the point where we both have a good idea what sets the other off. He’s been quietly trying do things that would elicit a reaction (because it has in the past), but I’ve been trying not flinch when I see it happening. Initially, it would happen randomly. When nothing happened, the attempts increased. Now, he’s gotten more brazen about it and has increased his efforts exponentially. As a result, it’s gotten harder not to react. I may see through the charade, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to ignore. When you’re good at playing games and know which buttons to push, a twisted mind has absolutely no qualms about taking things to the next level.

Karma is a b!tch and I have to keep reminding myself that he’s setting himself up to fall. Even though he can’t see it because his ego won’t let him.

When You Keep Pushing Buttons…

So, it would seem, that my neighbor and I are at a stalemate. He keeps trying to push my buttons to get me to react, but I refuse to take the bait.

As it stands right now, since the thermostat is at the center of the controversy, we’ve each taken a stance and refuse to budge. For those who need a refresher, here where things stand:

Where I live, it is a tri-level house that has been split into 3 apartments: mine, which is in the basement, the family upstairs and the single fellow in the back. The ONLY one with access to the thermostat is the family that lives above us and it was determined that the father likes to keep things cold (he leaves the heat off in the winter during the day and has the AC blasting full tilt all day during the summer). The landlord was notified of what he was doing (and provided with evidence to back up the claim), but the father keeps lying to the landlord about it. As a result, the government agency that governs the landlord/tenant relationship has been brought in to help rectify the situation. Since there’s a backlog, it’ll be a few months before my case is heard about the illegal activity of the neighbor upstairs interfering with the heat.

In the meantime, even though a locked thermostat was installed to keep the upstairs neighbors from turning off the heat, it’s still being turned off by them placing a portable heater near the thermostat to throw off the sensor. It is now being done with the explicit intention of ‘setting us off’. Since everyone in our apartment now refuses to react and acknowledge what the neighbors are doing, they have now changed their tactics. They used to leave the heat off when the new guy in the back was at work but have it cycle on once he returns home. Now, they’re leaving it off even when he is home for multiple hours at a time. We suspect it’s because the neighbors are trying to elicit a reaction while the new guy is home so they can make it look like we’re the crazy ones for reacting to being denied heat. They’ve also resorted to having the heat run continuously (by opening a window) to try to ‘fry us’ (the heat has run for over 2 hours without cycling on or off). To verify that it’s not an HVAC issue, we’ve also applied to the LTB (Landlord Tenant Board) to have the HVAC system inspected for any maintenance issues, like with the HVAV unit itself or the air ducts).

Today, the games started early and the heat had stopped cycling by 8:40am, despite it being 1°C outside. The heat finally did start cycling again at 1:18pm, but it should not have have taken over 4 hours for the heat to cycle on.

This is a daily thing. There are city bylaws that state the heat cannot dip below 20°C, but it has on multiple occasions. We do have the option of calling in a bylaw officer and he can fine the landlord for it, but the last time we did that, the landlord got notified he was coming and the landlord notified the neighbors upstairs, resulting in them turning the heat back on.

At this point, it feels like a whacked version of chess: whose going to make the next move and win. At this point, it’s anybody’s guess.

The Neighbour From Hell

Have you ever had to deal with a toxic neighbour? I’ve had to deal with a few of them in the past, but there is one I am dealing with right now who takes the cake.

Initially, something seemed off about the neighbour, but there was nothing that screamed trouble. As time wore on, my sixth sense kicked in and my suspicion of him kinda grew. By the time 8 months rolled around, I was proven right. We’ve hated each other since.

He now goes out of his way to try to get a reaction out of me. It’s kinda scary in a way, because at times, it comes across as an obsession. He has a wife and kids, but has absolutely no problems using them as pawns in a game only he knows the rules to. It’s now gotten to the point where I’ve gone to a higher authority to go after him (which he is aware of), but it hasn’t phased him at all. In a way, it only seems to have made him more motivated.

We believe he’s a narcissist (he’s been displaying a lot of their qualities). We’ve been trying to ignore his attempts to get us to react to things that he believes will set us off. While we hope he’ll dig his own grave and bury himself (as those who get cocky do), we’re aware that most likely won’t happen. For now, we’re choosing to ignore and go about our business.

When You’re Child Can Sense Something is Off…

The past several months have been rough. There have have been days where it just felt they bled into each other.

For the past week or so, it’s taken my son some extra time and TLC to fall asleep. I suspect it’s because he’s been picking up on my change of mood. We’ve been hit with another blow in the ongoing saga with regards to our future at our current home. It’s resulted in my mental health taking another hit and I believe my son has picked up on it. He’s always been intuitive with reading me, and the past week has been no exception. He may not have the words to ask, but he knows.

I’ve been trying to have him spend more time outside as a result, since he loves being outside and it helps to reset both of us. Since the temperature outside the past few days hasn’t allowed us to spend too much time outside (it’s well below freezing), we’ve been doing some science experiments involving water balloons and seeing what happens when left outside for a prolonged period of time. So far, we’ve made quite a few ice globes (some of which we used food coloring with and it created some pretty cool ice globes).

The Narc Ten Commandments

If you’ve ever had a long term encounter or relationship with a narcissist, you’re more than likely to walk away the relationship a changed person. I’ve had the displeasure of dealing with a narcissist for over a year and we’ve gotten to the point where there’s a mutual, unspoken dislike of each other. While we may be neighbors and will randomly run into each other occasionally, we don’t seek out each other’s company (it’s gotten to the point where he will avoid going outside if he sees me outside first and waits until I go back inside or leave before emerging).

I recently came across a meme that perfectly describes a narcissist: The 10 Narc Commandments and it fits this neighbor to a T. While every single one 9f the items listed can describe the neighbor, the ones that fit the best include:

5. Anyone who works against me is the enemy. I have been sounding the horn about what he has been doing with interference with the heat in our building for months. He recognized that I was a threat to him before I even realized it myself and took it upon himself to implement a way to mentally and psychologically destroy me.

6. Anyone who threatens to expose me will be destroyed. The mind games that this neighbor has played on me began not too long after he realized I was a threat to his control of the thermostat and the temperature of the entire building. He already had a reputation and an image of being a ‘good family man’, so he began his campaign of keeping it that way. Even when the landlord was brought in, she refused to believe anything that went against his image and I was being viewed as the troublemaker.

7. Children are pawns for manipulation, nothing more. The narcissist neighbor has 2 children, both under the age of 5. In an attempt to bring me under control for undermining his authority, he has allowed his children to live in a freezing apartment. There have been days where I have seen the wife emerge from their apartment in a winter jacket because of how cold it is in there and head to the garage for an item stored there, despite it being warm enough outside for shorts, a tee shirt and sandals.

8. I am the final authority. Law enforcement and courts are impotent. I gotten to the point where I have now involved the province in which we live. They have something that is referred to as the Landlord Tenant Board and it acts as a governing body for conflicts between landlords and tenants. It can also be utilized if there’s a conflict in the building that’s being caused by a tenant, including if a tenant interferes with the proper running of an HVAC system (which is what this guy is doing). I’ve told landlord about what he has been doing and she refuses to do anything about it, so I went above her head. He knows that I have done so, but still continues to restrict the flow of heat in the building.

9. I am motivated strictly by power and control. The neighbor absolutely hates that his authority has been challenged and, as any true narcissist will do, has made attempts to try to elicit a negative reaction from me to prove I am the crazy one. When the neighbor in the back of the building is home, the narcissist is well behaved (most of the time), but will try to engage in tactics to elicit a negative response from me. There are nuances to the situation and can make it hard to prove anything he has done as harmful, as he is a master manipulator, taking any response I make look like I’m the one in the wrong.

Narcissists are the hardest to prove as an abuser, since a lot of what they dole out is mental and psychological. If you can’t physically SEE the abuse, it’s harder to prove. All narcissists know this.

Why Not Just Leave?

The last six months have been rough, with the last 2 1/2 months being the worst of it. The toll it has taken on my little family cannot be adequately explained with words. Trying to get individuals to understand the extent of the damage done by a narcissist isn’t exactly easy, as a lot the damage has been mental and psychological. Both are invisible forms of abuse and you can’t see the extent of the damage.

Initially, we just thought we were dealing with a difficult neighbor. One who really didn’t want to change his ways and insistent on doing things a certain way. We thought that with a little intervention from a third party or getting the landlord more involved would help. It didn’t. It only made things worse. It made us realize that we were dealing with a narcissist and no matter what we did to try to resolve the issue at hand, he would dig his heels in and kept making it worse for us.

It has gotten to the point where we’re asking for help because we’re past our breaking point and need actual help getting out of the situation. The mental health of everyone in our household has taken a HUGE hit and trying to convey how bad it is is like pulling teeth. This isn’t a simple black and white issue, but one with a large gray area. There are issues that were created that shouldn’t have been all because of one man.

We made a plea for help. Everyone we know knows the extent of the damage that this neighbor has caused. Our world has been turned upside down and we’re trying to get out of a toxic situation that we were put in by someone else because we’ve been put through enough already. I ended up getting told by a relative, ‘Well, at least you have each other.’ That’s one of the worst things we could have been told. How is that going to help us leave? How is that going to help us get out?