A lot has happened in the past six months and it all came crashing down in the last in the last 2 days, bringing with it a whirlwind of emotions. To quote Charles Dickens:

‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.’

While there have been plenty of good times and happy new memories (such as my son’s first time swimming in a lake and his love of the beach), it’s being overshadowed by one man’s overwhelming obsession to crush us and another’s bullying tactics to get us to leave, even if it means they’re both breaking the law to do it.

I’m tired of fighting

I’m tired of freezing

I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed

I’m tired of being pushed past my breaking point

I’m tired of doing what’s right, only for it to not matter

I’m tired. I want it to stop

I’m done

Today was rough. REALLY rough. While I wasn’t expecting the old year to go out with a bang, it kinda doesn’t surprise that it’s going out with a rough patch.

I can honestly say that the neighbors upstairs played a large role for where I was mentally all day. The fellow has had a hard time letting go of his control over the thermostat and he proved it again today. The furnace has been largely off for most of the day. It came on a few times, but usually not for long. The last time it cycled on was right after he got home from church, which was just after 1pm. It’s been hovering around freezing all day, with snow falling in the early evening. He is very well aware that he’s breaking the law, but doesn’t care. He’s had a vendetta since he figured out I was onto him.

While we do have space heaters and they’re helping, just the shear fact that we HAVE to use them because he’s choosing to be a duck is insane. I had to walk away from my son multiple times because this is just too much. The fellow upstairs is very well aware that the province is now involved but is choosing to continue to be, well… I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say without getting censored.

As 2023 slowly winds down, I’ve started to hear rumblings of people making New Year’s resolutions. I’ve never been big on making resolutions, as they always seemed like an expectation that you may not be able to adhere to due to extenuating circumstances beyond your control.

This year, SO MUCH has changed and it seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. Looking back, I can see the lead up to it and the aftermath. The year started bright, filled with hope and possibilities. By the time June rolled around, the tide had turned and it wasn’t until 2 months later that the damage made itself apparent. We’ve been dealing with the consequences since and trying to keep ourselves from drowning.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is to stand up for myself. It hasn’t been a pretty process and I’ve still got a long way to go, but the fact that I’m doing it is a positive thing. I’m still dealing with two bullies who are trying to keep my voice from being heard, but as the new year is about to start, I’m determined to keep them from taking it away.

I’m a big believer in karma, as it has a way of coming back to bite you. Especially when you least expect it.

Christmas is my favourite holiday. It always has been, ever since I was a kid. The lights. The music. The decorations. EVERYTHING about it I loved.

This year, however, I started to dread the holiday long before it even hit. Any Christmas spirit I had was buried deep beneath layers of trauma. While I could sense it was still there, it was buried so deep that it had a hard time being heard.

There were a few holiday happenings around town that I still took my son to, since he loves the holiday as much as I used to. His favourite involves looking at lights, so we went to several parks that had light displays and walked the neighborhood to see the yards of our neighbors decorated. We did put up some Christmas decorations and decorated a tree for our apartment, but my heart wasn’t in it.

The last six months have been ROUGH. Baby steps are being taken to move us forward so that – HOPEFULLY – next year we can take full advantage of the spirit of the season.

The last 6 months have been rough, especially the last 2. Trying to make my voice heard isn’t as simple as telling my story. There have been roadblocks and hurdles and detours that have made it even harder than it should be. It also hasn’t helped that there are individuals who are insisting on seeing me fail, to the point that they’ve made it obvious that’s what they’re doing.

Today, I did something that I consider brave and it scared the crap out of me to do it, but I did it anyway: I submitted multiple applications to the Ontario Landlord Tenant Board to have this issue regarding the interference of heat to stop. I did so knowing full well that the landlord’s representative could come back with a threat. He had done so already once before when he threatened to bring in the police to evict us, even though it’s against the law to do so. The landlord and her ‘representative’ got a courtesy heads up so they wouldn’t be surprised and claim they were caught off guard by the applications. The response so far basically read: thank you for the notice, although the portable heaters you were provided and the locked thermostat that was installed should have been sufficient to fix the problem.

I have no regrets going after the landlord for the stupidity that is the narcissist in the apartment upstairs.

…but you have nothing to recharge with!

They say it takes a village to raise a child and they weren’t kidding. Ever since my son was about 3 months old, we’ve winging it. The village that we thought we had, albeit a small one, vanished.

Once we moved, that lack of a village was made even more evident. A household that had two adults now only had one. Everything from cleaning to taking care of a child to running a household fell on one person. Throw in complicated and toxic situation with a neighbor, the mental strain would only get worse.

Self care isn’t even an option anymore. Survival mode took over. The sense of drowning and feeling overwhelmed took over. A person can scream for help all they want, but is there a point if no is in a position? Or do they even want to help? It’s kinda hard to decipher sometimes when all you see are faces looking in with perplexited looks on their faces because it seems like their unsure what to do. I can make a list, or even a power point presentation, on what I need. Would that even work out? Would anyone even care?

When you have nothing left to run on, but you do it anyway because you have a little one depending on you.

As I sit here typing this, I am having trouble finding the words to say what’s in my head. There has been SO MUCH that has happened in the last two weeks. To say that I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. A lot has happened in the last year. A year where we encountered a lot of roadblocks and hurdles. A year where we tried to make our voice heard, to get those who can change the situation and make it better. However, the biggest roadblock we faced – one where we were yelling the loudest about and needed to most help with – ended up falling on deaf ears.

As I sit here, my mind racing about what steps to take next, all I can hear is a ticking clock. There were supposed to be measures in place that SHOULD have fixed this. Measures that SHOULD have prevented things from getting this far. Everyone in this situation had a role to play. I can scream as loud as I want until I’m blue in the face about it, about where things went wrong. I can play the scenario over and over again, trying to come up with ways that could have changed the outcome. However, if you’re dealing with an individual who knows how to work the system and can hide his true self behind a flawless image, I am being made to feel like I’m invisible. The truth may be hiding right there in plain sight, but if you’ve got individuals who refuse to see it…

My mind is racing. I know what has been happening is very much real. Even when I’m being made to think it’s all in my head.

I have never felt more abandoned that I have right now. Knowing everything that has happened in the last year, combined with the knowledge with what we’ll be facing in the coming weeks, overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to cover it.

This is no longer a matter of ‘just breathe’ and ‘one step as a time’. Our lives are about to be uprooted because of a ripple effect from one toxic situation. It was never our intention to stay where we are forever. – it was merely meant to be a stepping stone. When we were in a position to leave, it was to be on OUR terms.

At the beginning of this journey, there was the possibility of hope and new opportunities. Roadblocks, hiccups and hurdles were to be expected. No journey ever goes off without a hitch. We didn’t expect to get sideswipped. First, it was the potholes. Then the hurdles and roadblocks. Detours soons followed. The path forward was no longer clear and started to become murky. Slowly, the puzzle peices started to fall into place when the thinly veiled image started to erode. What was once unseen now became as clear as day. The only problem: Who would believe the new girl? His grip over the situation would prove to be a strong one. He knew what he was doing. He knew that I now knew. But, of course, he didn’t care. The damage that he inflicted may be invisible and may have taken awhile to be discovered, but it finally began to rear it’s ugly head. Now, it’s come to a head and we’re on the losing head. With only weeks to find a way out. The feeling of abandonment has never been so great.

The road ahead is filled with even more potholes, roadblocks and detours. The only thing I am certain of right now is the need to stay up here. The support that my son has gotten through the school system has been HUGE. There are concerns that we have regarding where he is in the grand scheme of things and the school is making it known that they have his back. To pull him out would be detrimental. Children may be resilient, as my son as shown many times over, but staying put in the current school system is the best option for him.

For the past year, it seems like life has just been one HUGE roller coaster ride. While I agree that life itself is supposed to be a roller coaster and you take the good with the bad, it changes completely when someone else takes control and sends you down a path you weren’t even supposed to be on. Trying to get off is another matter when every stop you see is taken away from you.

Yes, I keep talking about this. I am going to keep talking about this. I am making my voice heard because I’m tired of it being ignored. I’ve been thrown into a situation that was created by someone else, someone who is now hiding behind an image because he knows that an image can speak a thousand words.

They say that the universe has a way of evening things out. While I don’t wish harm on him or his family, there will be a day karma will come knocking and hand him a surprise he wasn’t expecting. Until that day appens, all I want is to be out of this situation and given peace of mind.